marginalia

from the mouths of babes

2012-01-26T06:33:00.003-05:00

charis at this amazing age. it's been so cool to see how her language and talking has developed. i mean it's totally fascinating to go from a coo to a sound to part of a word to a full word then to sentences. blows me away. i'm trying to soak it all up and record as much as possible. i'm constantly amazed at her ability to make connections too. she's not at the funny age where she says inappropriate things, but i will be looking forward to that. she's just talking a bunch.

we were driving the other day and she said, "i need a haircut. a big haircut." then she looked at me and pointed to my hair. i said, "i'm not ready to give you a haircut. but you want a big haircut?" she then said, "haircut like you." so, we're thinking of shaving her head. jk.

in the same car ride she said, "you feel better? grocery story medicine in your mouth feel better." so she talks in run-on sentences. basically, when adam's parents were here we had our long duke appt. when we got back she immediately asked me "you feel better?" which sounds so cute coming out of her mouth. adam's mom had told her that we were at the doctor to help mommy feel better. so, she often asks me if i feel better. and apparently we go to the "grocery store" (ie CVS) often to get medicine for mommy.

the other night we met adam for dinner. midway through she wanted to pray. you know she wants to pray when she says, "dear god" and asks us to hold hands. she was doing this funny thing with her eyes, trying to close them but peek, as she prayed, "dear god, thank you for food, yoga and balls." it's really that simple, huh? last night she did the same thing at home, "dear god, thank you for food, thank you for nonni, thank you for my water, thank you for my water. amen!"

she's been getting up early lately. ugh. "i wake up!" then she will call one of us, "daddy! daddy! where arrrrrrrrre you?" we try to tell her she can't get up until the sun does. "where's the sunshine?"

when she gets tickled or we do somethings she likes she says, "do again." and writing that doesn't do it justice with just how cute she sounds.

adam and i spend a lot of time sharing stories of our little girl. it's like we don't want each other to miss out on ALL of her. it never feels like "she" is all we have to talk about. in fact, we have plenty to talk about. talking about Charis is a joy and a relief. we both end up with huge smiles and we immediately miss her. (usually this is on our trips to duke) she's really fun. and i love to think of our story and how God knew just want we needed when we didn't think we were ready to be parents. He knew. He always knows.

twenty eleven in pictures

2012-01-19T20:19:00.002-05:00

TWENTY ELEVEN. well it's been a full year. i've been trying to get this post up for almost 3 weeks. so here it is...our year in pictures. it was hard to choose ones from the hundreds i have to show you our year. but it's been so fun and good for my heart to go through the year of pictures. charis has changed so much in a year. she's potty trained and in a big girl bed and talking in sentences. we've gotten to take lots of fun family trips to the mountains and beach. adam & i got to go to NYC. i started the year doing radiation then awaited reconstruction only to realize the cancer was back. then i ended the year starting a new treatment at duke (we don't have pictures of this yet). we celebrated charis' 2nd birthday. we went to new orleans to celebrate adam's best friend getting married. we went to asheville and greensboro to celebrate two friends' weddings. there has been lots of celebrating. we said good-bye to our dear friend, sydney, who is with Jesus. i miss her tons. we've gotten to have lots of family time on bikes, at the park, swimming, hanging out in the yard. adam finished his thesis and got his bound copy. i stopped working for and leading young life. i've gotten to continue sweet friendships with high school girls. charis took her first steps for a cracker at my sister's. we've gotten to spend lots of time with our extended family (parents & siblings). my hair saw lots of styles as it grew back from chemo then a mohawk then bald again. lots of birthdays...celebrated adam's 30th at sir ed's. i got to be on tv a few times. Team Patwa rocked it out again at Race for the Cure. friends road the 24 HOB again for me and Syd. we've laughed a lot and cried a lot. oh goodness what a year! full. rich. deep. unforgettable. i am thankful for every bit of 2011. every bit. looking back at all these pictures reminded me of all the things i am thankful for. and i'm trying to remember to be thankful in all things. all things.

and i anticipate that in the year to come i will have more fun memories, more amazing moments, and more to be thankful for.

so the pictures start from December and go backwards. it's just how i uploaded them. hope you enjoy a glimpse at our year.

so cute with winnie the pooh

she loves her robe from pap and nana

our annual GMO cookie party! love these girls

sock hands!

central park from rockefeller center

at the place from When Harry met Sally

walking the city...new WTC

happy birthday mama! poop hands!

sweet family...aunt rosi, chris and julian

plane trip family photo

our little bug turned 2!

drew brees

apple orchard

the twins turn 1...jada knows how to party

Team Patwa

these little girls fight like a girl for their auntie!

first plane trip with daddy!

carousel ride with paw paw

our little walrus

our friend nora fern! we love her

celebrating reba & allen

asheville sunset

big girl bed. "new bed"

hanging with benny @ caroline's birthday

getting the lawn done

the mohawk!!

the bound and official Thesis!!!

sweet sandy face

my best friend

carowinds for the cure...peace

me and my friend mary genevia

eating yummy summer tomatoes

chemo part 2

pedicure time

nonni came to visit

team Hope for Sydney 2011

my little lady

our friends the bergerons came to visit we love them

MJ hair

enjoying mountain streams

last YL girls beach retreat

enjoying the beach

love riding the bike

belly button easter bunny

swimming with daddy

hunting for easter eggs

post chemo hair growth...crazy

best outside toy ever

sweet cousin Lily

what do i say to this?!

irish car bombs!! happy 30th adam

sweet time at freedom park

enjoying the sunshine

the radiation machine

first steps

just chillin in my wagon

date night...love these

silly family photo!!

our christmas

2012-01-06T20:05:00.000-05:00

ready for church in her Christmas dress

i've been trying to post a video for the past 2 weeks of Charis but can't. so, some pictures will have to do.

in the car in mcadenville

for the weeks leading up to Christmas we talked about how it was Jesus' birthday. ever since my nieces' birthday and her own, she seems to get the whole "happy birthday" thing. we want Charis to know that Christmas is about Jesus...about him coming to earth as a baby to rescue us. this felt like the first year we could really talk about all of that with her. you know, now that she is 2 and understands the world. actually, she is soaking everything up. so it feels like now is the time to teach her and tell her about the "new born King."

loving her ladybug boots

and now that we have a kid we are figuring out what traditions we want to have. how do we want her to grow up celebrating Christmas? it's our job to make the day about Jesus. so we started by reading the story of Jesus' birth from Luke in the Storybook Bible. she was totally engaged as we talked about baby Jesus. it was a little tricky to transition from that to opening presents. we are figuring out how to make the connection. Jesus was God's gift to us, so we give gifts on Christmas? the Wise Men took Jesus gifts so now we give gifts? i'm not sure. and i think we still have some time to figure all that out. we presented her gifts to her and she gladly opened a few. she would play with her gift and after about 3 gifts she lost interest in opening. she wasn't quite sure what to do with the stocking but she seemed excited about the stickers and new toothbrushes. i have to admit it was fun to watch her because it was all so innocent.

not really sure what to think of it all

all the medical stuff forced us to slow down this Christmas. which i have to admit was nice. i didn't feel busy or overwhelmed. and we were able to enjoy the time as a family. it was perfect. and there were so many people that made this time special for us. we were invited to a fire station out on lake wylie. the team of firefighters had heard about us through my new friend, anne marie, that i met at the komen race. and they wanted to invite us out and let us "play" at the station. then they gifted me with the sweetest locket necklace. i was so touched by the whole thing...the way they loved and enjoyed Charis, the way they were touched by my story enough to meet us. and there were other random gifts throughout the week that totally blew us away. God is taking care of us in more ways than we can imagine. He is providing for our needs and beyond. not only financially but relationally. we have so much to be thankful for. but mostly i'm thankful for Jesus.

firegirl charis to the rescue!!

our friends at station 38!

charis and pooh bear

long overdue

2011-12-27T10:31:00.007-05:00

i have been meaning to post some of these pictures for a while now. this past july we celebrated our 5th anniversary. i was contacted by our sweet wedding photographer via facebook about doing an anniversary photo shoot with Charis at the location of our wedding. his name is Joe Deese. i first met him at my friend, nicole's wedding. not that we got married so long ago but we missed the whole digital photography bandwagon. he did strictly film. and i really liked him so we had him shoot our wedding. five years later he has switched to digital and gave us a ton of pictures from our anniversary shoot. it was fun to be back at Independence Park with our daughter. we are in a very unique place 5 years later and i was so thankful that he wanted to capture this time for us. there really are so many pictures but here are a few of my favorites from Joe.

literally the last picture

yes, we let her play in the water

i love this cause she is most cuddly with dollie

sweet kisses

i LOVE this b/c of her giggly face

a pretty good family shot

this is so sweet..a girl and her dollie

i was really excited about these pictures but once i got them i was a bit disappointed because i don't like the way i photograph anymore. (nothing to do with Joe) i mean, it's not like i was a model to begin with or anything. but not only are there more imperfections these days, i can really see them in pictures. and sometimes that's hard. but i also want to document as much of this time as possible. so, of course, in the end i love these. i love that he was generous enough to do this for us on our anniversary. and it was fun to be in the place we took vows and made promises to each other about "for better and worse, sickness and health." those really matter right now. and we have this amazing little girl to live life with and that's pretty awesome.

NYC part 3

2011-12-18T09:13:00.008-05:00

some dog posing for his Christmas pic

we did so much in new york. so much. and i'm so glad we did. now i want to go back and chill. or be more "picky" about which neighborhood we'd hang out in. like chelsea with the high line and art galleries or central park. or maybe just take a shopping trip. just kidding, that would never happen. so i have a couple more things to tell about our trip. and i'm sure i'll still leave something out. because like i said, we did so much.

the food
i have to admit that i was a little sad or disappointed that we didn't go to new york with more ideas or recs for restaurants. we love food. i like to think we are foodies. we enjoy different kinds of foods. except i don't like mushrooms. and adam will really eat anything. anyway. i had a couple suggestions but it'd be in a part of the city we weren't near at a time we were hungry. so most of our meals were just a gamble. i thought it'd be like new orleans where you can eat anywhere and it's going to be pretty good. it's not like that. a hole in the wall in new york is just that, a hole in the wall. don't get me wrong we had some good food. i think i just expected more from new york in the food area. our first stop was the tourist trap of little italy. we stopped in for a lunch special of pizza and glass of wine for $10. the pizza was really good. the tomato sauce was legit. and i know because i'm half italian. and it was a deal. we shared the pizza and got another glass of wine, which cost $8.75. so technically the pizza was only $1.25. crazy. some friends made us a reservation at a bobby flay restaurant which was a really great meal with good wine too. they had a side of brussel sprouts made with pomegranate seeds. so delicious. on saturday morning we stumbled upon this cute organic bakery in the "cool" part of town. the server was a bit pretentious. the menu had organic fruit, cheddar and chive scone with fresh ricotta cheese and soft boiled eggs. the coffee was good and came in your own little ceramic pot. it was so cute and we figured we found a local gem. then as we walked around the rest of the city the next 2 days we started seeing more of them. it was like their panera. i felt a little fooled but it was still quaint even if it was a chain. on sunday we were crunched for time because we were trying to see the Met before the Tenament. and it was around lunch time and we needed to get something to eat so we walked and walked. we came upon this great italian bistro. and we almost went to dean & deluca instead. gasp. i'm so glad we didn't. this meal was amazing. i had a tomato rustica pasta that was so yummy and flavorful. adam had a sort of spinach gnocchi with mushrooms. our caesar salad was freshly made table side. this was probably our favorite meal all weekend. it was so good. after the Tenament they gave us a map with food recs in the lower east side. we wanted to try dumplings so we went to this hip joint that was full of hipsters and locals. we tried both fried and boiled dumplings which were both very good. we also tried a noodle dish that i wasn't crazy about. i think they are known for the dumplings so it's always safe to stick with what they are known for. note to self. i talked about the food tour in brooklyn. the last stop on the tour was a gastropub where we had cajun boiled peanuts and rosemary garlic fries. both were so good. since we ended up staying there so long we ate dinner and i had a lamb burger that was divine. so when it comes down to it we did have some yummy food. but at the same time i expected more from a city like new york. what a snob!

the $1.25 pizza

my individual coffee

scone with fresh ricotta

food truck in harlem with yummy falafal wrap

a very yummy tuna tartar

a vodka flight at a russian place we won't probably go back to

the show
when you are going to new york every tells you that you MUST go to a show. you must. i started looking at shows online before we left. they have so many. and they are pretty pricey. but we had to see a show. my first choice was the book of mormon, but for the cheapest ticket at $300 i didn't see that as a possibility. we knew we could get tickets to shows the day of at discounted prices. there were so many options...did we want a play or musical or a catchy entertainment piece like blue man group? we decided we wanted something that told a story. and so when we went to the TKTS booth we opted for Rent. i'd always wanted to see it. and i always wanted to see and hear their signature song. it was really good. i'm always amazed at the giftedness of the people that do this. they sing act and dance. and some of them are really really good. plus i did like the story of the community of friends.

a crochet buggy outside the art galleris

a banana seat bike!!

this may wrap up our PATWA NYC EXTRAVAGANZA. i cannot say enough how humbled we are that so many people love us enough to send us on this little (big) adventure. it was a blast and perfectly timed. we had a super great time. i'm thinking we'll continue to need some "get-a-ways" but i don't think we'll get to do something like this again. so thank you to all of you that sent us on this trip. adam and i are going to go through all our pics and video soon and update our travel journal so we can remember the fun time we had together. thanks again!!!

2011-12-13T14:50:00.002-05:00

i have to admit that when we were going to new york i wasn't really hoping to see gossip girl being filmed or standing in the cold with a poster for the Today show, but what i was secretly hoping to see was some Law & Order. if you know me, or have ever lived with me, you know i love law & order (da-da). i can watch any type (regular, SVU, criminal intent) any time even if i've seen it before. so, when we passed by the court house i got a little excited and if we walked down a street that looked like a place a "vic" would have been found, i kind of hoped we'd see Olivia. but it never happened. even still it was cool to be in a place where they film one of my favorite shows.

the court house where lots of L&O get filmed i'm sure
anyway

the brooklyn bridge & food tour
one of the first things i heard to do was walk the brooklyn bridge. so before we left i looked at what to do in brooklyn and found a local food tour. it was the one thing i really booked for us. we started of in manhattan and joined the other hundreds on the bridge. and i must say it was fascinating to see a different view of the city for every few yards. the walk was quicker than i anticipated too. after a cool morning the day turned out beautiful and sunny, which made for a perfect day to be outside. we took a ton of pics of the bridge, the buildings and ourselves. it was truly a great way to see the city. once in brooklyn we walked by a famous pizza place but the line was too long. so we wondered around some since we had time before our food tour. finding a taxi in brooklyn was a bit tricky but we found one and headed to the Carroll Gardens neighborhood. we met our guide and it was us and just one other couple. basically we visited a handful of places from a southern inspired restaurant to a cheese shop to a cookie shop to a gastropub. a lot of the tour was walking through the neighborhoods and learning about it's history and buildings, which was definitely a great part of the tour. i mean, i thought there could have been more food involved but it was still worth it. at our final stop we ended up hanging out and watching the LSU game. it was still early and we sat at the bar with a local named Dave, who happened to be from Georgia (so he was going for UGA in the game). we ended up there for the rest of the game and night talking to Dave. it was fun to share our stories and actually connect with someone on a personal level, as opposed to being a tourist. and to top it all off, he secretly paid our bill. he left before we knew this and could thank him. we were blown away by his kindness. but mostly it was just fun hanging out with him.

a little artsy shot of the bridge

maybe a place people leave a lock for good luck?

manhattan from the bridge...new world trade building

the park
i have always been fascinated by central park. i love on tv when they show a sky-view of the city there is this huge green space smack dab in the middle of that crazy building mess. so, this was definitely on our lists of places to go. and i think we did it right. we rented bikes for 2 hours and road around the whole park (just about). we took a break on the northwest side near harlem so adam could have a falafal wrap from a food truck, which was freshly made and divine. it's amazing how much there is within this park. we weren't allowed to bike on some of the walking paths but i think we were still able to see a lot. the weather turned out perfect and it was just lovely to take some time from walking and ride a bike.

our only pic from the park...at some reservoir

the washington square park
one of adam's favorite movies and one we like to watch around Christmas is When Harry Met Sally. if you don't know or remember the movie....watch it. well, the place Sally drops Harry off in new york is washington square park. we had no idea where it was, in fact, we thought it might be at central park. on sunday night after our long day of adventure we headed back out and decided just to walk. i think we were actually going to check out the holiday markets that turned out to be closed. but we ended up walking by NYU and that area then stumbled upon this park. and across the park we saw this big monument, which had to be the one from the movie. not only was the park low key and speckled with a mix of hipsters, students and homeless folks, we had found the one thing from the movie we had really wanted to see. and all by accident. and we got to enjoy a quiet night just walking around and soaking up the city together. it was wonderful.

the monument of Harry's drop off

so, i'm thinking i'll have another post and then one or two with just pics b/c we took so many pics. so many. thanks for letting me share about our trip. it really was so so much fun.

leaky eyes and fat arm

2011-12-10T13:58:00.001-05:00

so i just got kicked off my chemo trial, which consisted of a drug called taxotere. how i got kicked off, you ask. well, apparently my cancer has outsmarted the drug. after 6 rounds it's stopped working. but i'm confident we'll find something else to outsmart the cancer.

anywho

so, after "battling" this thing called cancer for 18 months now it's clear there is more to cancer and its treatment. i mean, when you get the news initially that you have cancer you really have no idea what's coming. there are layers upon layers. with chemo there are the typical side effects like losing your hair and fatigue. well, with this particular drug there is what i like to call, leaky eyes. i don't think that's the technical term for it. basically about 2 weeks after getting the drug my eyes literally leak for about 5-7 days. it's crazy. and in big box stores or wind it's especially really bad. they just leak. it's not painful and it's not really that embarrassing, but it's a hassle to have to constantly wipe my eyes. the good thing is that i could be crying and blame it on the leaky eyes. it's just one of those things you don't anticipate in the beginning.

the other thing you don't anticipate early on is what i like to refer to as fat arm. the technical term is lymphedema. when i had my double mastectomy i had 28 lymph nodes removed from under my right arm. i've learned a bit more about my body since this whole thing. and what i've learned is that our lymph nodes, which run throughout our body, help move fluid (very basic knowledge). well, with 28 gone the fluid doesn't get moved and therefore will get sort of trapped in my arm and cause it to swell. hence the fat arm. this is something that is not life-threatening, but could get bad; painful/uncomfortable. but for me it's way more vain than this. i don't want fat arm! one thing that helps is to wear what is called a compression sleeve. it's a flesh colored thick stretchy thing that goes from your fingers to shoulder. it's very tight and i guess it helps squeeze the fluid back out (since my lymph nodes are there to do their job). this thing is hot and i do feel weird wearing it. i mean, most people that wear them are old or obese. i'm neither. but i also don't want really bad fat arm. i decided that i need a glove too so i went to this special store to talk to the lady about getting a glove. she said i'd need to get a different kind of sleeve and have the glove custom made, both costing over $350. seriously?! i'm going to wait and instead go back to the rehabilitation place and get some lymphedema therapy (i.e. massage) for a bit. That really does help. so, if you see a weird flesh colored thing on my arm/hand it's my fat arm defense sleeve, i'm not trying to make some new fashion statement.

it's just been so interesting (is this really the right word?) to see what evolves in this world of cancer. there are so many things that are never "public" and that you don't think about happening to a person. some are very scary and some are just annoying. but they all play a part in this journey. i mean, it's bad enough not to have hair and breasts, but fat arm too?! come on!! but there are a few "benefits" like not having to shave.

NYC part 1

2011-12-08T20:10:00.000-05:00

(yes, there will be multiple posts)

i'm not sure where to start. so let's start at the beginning. as i've said before we were graciously given a trip to NYC by our friends, family and even strangers. it's been incredibly humbling to see how many people love us and are willing to send us on this extravagant weekend away. it came at a great time and we had a blast. we came back with over 300 pictures. i know, crazy. thanks to digital. the best way to describe NYC is like drinking from a fire hose. for real. that place is nuts! let me get started....

the subway
oh the subway. i like to think i'm good with directions. and i actually am. well, the NYC subway totally squashed that! the whole thing is quite fascinating...not just the many trains going in all sorts of directions but the actual stops can be huge (and confusing). it just took us a few days (out of our 4) to figure out which way was downtown and which way was uptown. there were a few times of jumping off a train b/c we were headed in the wrong direction. the first day i was super frustrated about this, but eventually learned to let-it-go. what i like about the subway is that everyone uses them. everyone. the fancy lady with her bag on her forearm to the poor, stinky homeless man in the corner. no one makes eye contact except us "genteel southern tourists" and everyone has ear buds in their ears. it's a mad house. and i loved using it, especially when i finally got good at it.

the views
my favorite view was the one i got from the plane as we flew past the island. so coo. there is a lot in NYC. duh. but you hear about and see these different places on t.v. or from friends but can't really wrap your head around it until you are there. i've always loved the view of the city with central park smack dab in the middle of this "concrete jungle" and it was just as amazing in person. our first night we did the Empire State Building, which was so cool. we got a free audio tour which was kinda cliche b/c our "tour guide" was Tony. it was amazing to see the other tall buildings and all those lights. i kept thinking what that blackout must have been like. insane. we took a boat to Lady Liberty and the view of the city from the water was ridiculous. and seeing the statue up close was incredible. we stopped by the Rockefeller Center tree too and i have to admit we were both disappointed by it's size. the rink too. it just looks so massive on t.v. and up close it's just a really big tree. but, i'm not trying to be a party pooper, it was still cool to see in person. walking the High Line for a handful of blocks in the Meatpacking district was super cool. it's built on an old railroad line, you can see the old tracks. and you get an "above street level view" of the city.

the museums & galleries
as you know adam and i are very cultured people...we enjoy good food, good art and good stories. thankfully new york is full of all of these. our first stop for this "culture," if you will, was the Chelsea/Meatpacking district early saturday morning. we were crunched for time but were able visit a handful of galleries from Annie Lebowitz photos to bags of aluminum cans to great oil paintings to Russian propaganda posters. all very cool and unique. (although i'm still not sure about the aluminum cans...seriously?) this was adam's favorite part. on sunday we quickly visited the MET, which is giant and has lots of different kinds of art, but it was cool to see Picasso and Dali and other unique works of art. the last museum we visited was the Lower East Side Tenement Museum. basically there is this old tenement (apartment building) that had been vacant since 1935. when they stumbled upon it in the 90's they found everything inside like it was from the early 1900's, so they began to research the families that came to america and lived in this particular building. you can take a tour that tells the story of different families that lived there from it's building (i think early 1800's) to when it was closed. we took the "hard times" tour and learned about 2 immigrant families from the early 1800's and early 1900's. it was very cool. and a part of me felt akin to these folks, not because i'm an immigrant, but because we are going through "hard times" of ourselves and, like these families, are leaning into our community to get through.

okay i'm going to stop now b/c this is long...and i want to be able to tell you all about all the great stuff we got to do. it was really great and perfect timing for us to get away. thank you!!!

thankFULLness

2011-11-30T21:24:00.001-05:00

our life is really full right now. and we have so much to be thankful for. it's cliche to only be (or at least just talk about it) thankful in the month of november, but i guess if there is a month that helps us remember, then that's great. i think since we've been going through stuff we are fortunate to be reminded often what we are thankful for.

so this "stuff" that we've been going through is at times pretty darn crappy. sometimes if i think about what our lives look like "on paper" it can be pretty depressing. however, i don't spend most of my time being depressed. (by no means is this my doing or because of any mantra that gets me out of bed each day...it's totally Jesus) God isn't going to allow that. there is something in the bible that says, "in all things, give thanks." so, does that mean "all things" = everything? i think it does.

does that mean that as i sit in my chair in an infusion room getting pumped full of a toxic chemical to give thanks? i think so. i'm thankful that my sweet and talkative nurse, amber, remembered my daughter's name and asked how she was doing (after only meeting me once before 3 weeks prior). i'm thankful for the smiling guy next to me who says hey and who makes no big deal that he drives to charlotte from atlanta every week so he can participate in a trial. i'm thankful for the opportunity to tell a nurse that what gets me through this is my faith. i'm thankful for the friends willing to rearrange their schedules and childcare to sit beside me for 3-4 hours.

does it mean that although i may never be able to have any more children to still give thanks? i think so. i am thankful for the surprise gift he gave me in little miss Charis Root who fills me with joy so many minutes of the day. i'm thankful that i am well enough to play with her and hold her and do bedtime with her and all the other things that take lots of energy to do with a 2 year old. i'm thankful that i get to witness her learning and growing as she tries out new words or tests her boundaries or observes her world and asks questions. i'm thankful to have been able to be pregnant and nurse at least for the time i had.

does it mean that after getting a Master's and job-hunting/networking for six months Adam is still working at a restaurant? i guess so. i'm thankful for the journey God has us on, but especially all that He is doing in Adam. it's amazing to watch my husband really hear from the Lord and live in the truth that he is His beloved. i'm thankful for the flexibility of his schedule that allows him to go to just about every appointment with me. i'm thankful that we are able to see God at work in the process and we aren't waiting for the job to happen to really experience Him.

does it mean that although my body may never look like the body of a woman again to still give thanks? yeah, probably. i'm thankful that God gave me a husband to love me in the midst of all this body issue stuff. i'm thankful that He still reminds me that i am created in His image. i'm thankful for the opportunity to learn more about what true beauty is and where it comes from. i'm thankful that sometimes i feel more brave than i did before.

does it mean that even though i was laid off from a job i loved i should still give thanks? yep, that too. i'm thankful for the way the Lord works even if it makes no sense at all to me. i'm thankful for the peace He gave me in the midst of my transition out of YL both professionally and personally. i'm thankful for the job i have now that puts me in the lives of a whole different demographic but still kind of doing relational ministry. i'm thankful for more time to be with my family and friends.

does it mean that i will apparently always have to be treated for cancer or at least live in the unknown of it's return (if it even goes away)? yes, duh. i'm thankful that God knows all that lies ahead for me. i'm thankful that for today i feel great and the cancer is responding to chemo and there is hope. i'm so thankful for hope. hope that there will be a day, whether it's on this side of heaven or not, that i will be cancer free. hope that in the midst of lots of uncertainty, God is the most certain thing in my life and He sure does love me a lot.

don't get me wrong...i'm not a "oh who cares about that..life is so good" kind of girl. nope. i'm a realist who also believes in hope. is that possible? i realize that i have to experience the pain in order to experience the joy of thankfulness and gratitude. they sort of come together, like a package deal. but i get the whole, "in all things, give thanks." because even when there is some really crappy stuff going on there is always really good stuff going on. like this

and this

and this

and because we have some pretty amazing friends (and even some strangers) who are sending us to New York City for the weekend.
but most of all it's because God continues to remind us that yes, He is good, and yes, He loves us, and yes, we are His beloved.

NYC or bust

2011-11-26T14:31:00.000-05:00

we are going to New York City!!! i know, crazy. it's my own make a wish thanks to some amazing friends and even some strangers. and since there really isn't a real make a wish out there for adults with cancer, i'm thankful our community stepped in.

i knew i wanted to take a trip and have even felt "deserving" or "entitled" because of the 18 months we've had. when i was done with treatment and heading into my reconstruction we talked about doing something all-inclusive and tropical in the spring. but, my cancer came back and my reconstruction didn't happen and the treatment plan still feels a little vague. i'm not trying to be on the beach with this body right now. but i still wanted to take a trip with adam. especially now that the cancer was back. we needed a break and a little fun.

enter NYC. for some reason there was a buzz with NYC lately. i talked about going with some friends earlier in november but couldn't. then it felt like everyone around me had gone or was going. and i wanted to go too!!! (insert stopping of feet and other tantrum behavior) so in my head i started to plan the trip. i had decided we were going and i was talking about it a lot. of course it probably wouldn't be the best or even wisest decision considering our circumstances. BUT i kinda didn't care. i don't mean to be so brash, but look, i have cancer and damn it i wanted to have a little fun getaway with my hubby. plus i knew there were people out there that wanted to help make this happen. i would soon be blown away by those people. as i began to talk about this trip the excitement built and i became more determined. i just didn't know how it could happen. and i had to get adam on board. well, there were other people just as determined. i got ambushed one day by a couple friends...we were gifted with 2 flights and spending money. another friend booked our hotel and others have contributed to the spending money fund (which is good b/c i'm learning just how expensive nyc is..wow).

we are so excited about this trip. SO EXCITED. we are incredibly humbled by the people who are making this happen. it seems kind of silly and like such a luxury. but i'm so very excited about this trip to the big city. we need a break right now...we've been doing this cancer thing for 18 months now and adam has been full on job hunting for 6 months. we were going to shoot to go in april but were encouraged to go during the holiday season. and i felt like treatment right now is predictable and i know what weekends i'm feeling good. so we picked the first weekend in december and found the flights and got the ball rolling. we've been asking for advice on things to do, places to see and where to eat. we are cramming as much into 4 days that we can. it's going to be so much fun. and i can't believe it's really happening. it's so incredible that people love us enough to help make this happen. we are so so grateful and so so excited!

so in a week we'll be walking the streets of new york city which will be filled with the magic of christmas. i hope we can do and see all that we would like. i know it's going to be great. i can't guarantee you'll see me on any morning show b/c i'm not trying to wake up early. and i don't think i'll miss waking up before 7am to the knocking of little fists on the door. but i will miss our sweet little lady.

a year without breasts

2011-11-22T21:57:00.001-05:00

i recently celebrated one year without my breasts. well, i wouldn't say "celebrated" exactly. mostly reached the anniversary of my double mastectomy which was the 18th. i have been thinking a lot about how to share this with the blog world. in the end i just want to make note of it and put it out there a bit.

once i realized how aggressive my cancer was and that i am the carrier for the gene (brca 2), i realized that doing the double mastectomy was an easy choice and pretty much a necessity. by then i had no attachment to my breasts. they betrayed me. i went into surgery feeling okay. i really didn't know what to expect.

it's been a year of lots of tears, some anger, lots of insecurity, and constant adjustment. i opted for delayed reconstruction, which means i would have about 8 months of living with this body and these scars. that 8 months has turned into a year and definitely longer with reconstruction not an option any time soon. this whole thing is complicated with many layers. boobs are everywhere. EVERYWHERE. and all women have some kind of issue with their breasts, whether they are too small or too big, saggy, lop-sided, or whatever. i have no breasts. just scars. and the surgery has made my body deformed in many ways. it's hard to embrace the body i have. sometimes i don't like what i see and i'm often afraid of what my husband thinks of it. but he's been the most supportive and amazing partner to love me and walk this with me. we miss my breasts.

i have spent a lot of time writing and backspacing. it's been hard to process and express how i'm doing. even though i needed this surgery to save my life, it's still a hard adjustment. it doesn't diminish the pain of losing my breasts...of feeling deformed and non-feminine, never being able to breast feed again, having no feeling, not being able to wear certain things. i want to learn to embrace this body because it's what i (we) have for now. i want to feel sexy and feminine in a world that says that can only come with breasts. it's not something i wake up and decide to do and it's done. it's a painful process. and it's a process i'm willing to walk. one thing that has inspired me for a while now is the Scar Project. i was able to do my own photo shoot with a local artist recently and it was definitely amazing to feel beautiful and brave as i am.

48 hours

2011-11-16T22:00:00.001-05:00

it's clear that we've been through a lot and have a lot going on. at times it can be completely overwhelming. but most times i feel God in this with us and if i'm honest i'm wanting Him more than the stuff that would seem to make our lives a little easier right now. it's the idea of...do we long for His presence more than His blessing? look, sometimes i'd like His blessing or an easy fix, but in reality that doesn't sustain me like He does. and He still gives us His blessings through His provisions and our incredible community.

so, recently i had an overwhelming 48 hours and it had nothing to do with a scan or directly related to cancer. crazy, i know. on saturday i opened up a letter from my COBRA saying that my benefits have been terminated effective 09/30/2011. needless to say i freaked. i knew it was a stretch, but i still called them. of course they are closed on the weekend. i was seriously in a panic. my first thought was how could this happen b/c i had done everything right...filled out the right paperwork and all that stuff. apparently my premium hadn't been paid. (side note...i qualified for financial assistance through Carolina Healthcare Systems and they were responsible to pay my premium for 3 months) so, here i was..COULD.NOT.DO.ANYTHING. that's a hard place for me to be. i had to let it go and i prayed a lot. A.LOT. i knew that God was in this, that He cares about the details of my insurance. BUT i was struggling to see the purpose in this. i wanted to send out a mass email asking friends to pray but felt the Lord calling me to come to Him. so i did. that night of sleep was fitful. every time i awoke it was on my mind so i cried out to God lots. on sunday morning i shared with my prayer group what was going on and cried. i confessed how anxious i was and freaked out. i can honestly say that i've never felt this way about a scan or test, which seems crazy. so why was this making me come undone. my friends prayed for me and i must say that i had a lot of peace on Sunday. but by monday morning the anxiety was back...it was the day i could make the phone calls.

i called the insurance people first. here is the thing...they don't send you a notice letting you know you missed a payment. that would make too much sense. they send you a termination notice. so, you've missed the grace period and are SOL basically. the woman said that it was my responsibility to make sure it got paid and if we could prove it was a mail issue then maybe they could reinstate my benefits. otherwise i could write a letter of appeal which "doesn't normally work." after i hung up with her i felt helpless. so i called the carolinas healthcare (CHS) people and left a message letting him know i was freaking out. then i went to yoga. that was a good decision. i had to still trust God in this. after yoga i called my friend, adam, at CHS and he let me know he'd been researching my case to figure out what went wrong and spoke with the insurance people asking them to reinstate my benefits. he was super apologetic and very kind, taking full responsibility on their end. i was a mess and sobbing on the phone with him. while we were talking he got a call from the insurance and he came back with "i've got good news..." a peace washed over me and i held my breath as i waited to hear what he had to say..."they are going to reinstate your benefits." he wanted to let me go so he could discuss all the details with them.

i have to say just like that i felt lighter and more at peace. which i had to investigate some. God had purposely allowed me to spend these 48 hours in fear and anxiety defending all the things i had done right. but it didn't matter that i'm administratively gifted and was able to find this assistance and fill out the appropriate paperwork. it wasn't about what i was capable or able to do. if i'm not trusting God with all (ALL) the details then I'm missing what He has for me. it's crazy how i could go from such despair (i know that sounds dramatic, but homegirl needs her benefits right now) to peace. i have been fooled to think that i'm so "easy going" about this process. of course i trust God. yeah i don't worry much. but send me a letter like that and it all falls to pieces. especially if it's steeped in what i've done. i'm good at doing stuff and i do it well. it doesn't matter what i do if i don't trust God. and i mean really trust Him. with all the details, including insurance. He cares about it all. that's just how much He loves us.

That afternoon I got a note from an old friend with a passage from Psalm 107:6 that i really thought was fitting: "Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress." and that is exactly what He's done.

2 going on 15

2011-11-13T14:29:00.004-05:00

i've needed some time before i do this post and still i'm not sure my heart is in the right place. as we approached Charis' 2nd birthday i did a lot of reflecting and "i can't believe" statements about our little lady turning 2. Two is official. She's not a baby anymore but a little girl who interacts and thinks and makes decisions. I reflected on God's timing and gift of our little lady in our lives. I reflected on how God knew exactly what we needed and maybe even wanted at a time such as this. she was such a good surprise. but now that it's been 2 years i can't still be shocked by the surprise. yet it has been a full 2 years. in the time since Charis was born we've been through so much...my cancer diagnosis and treatment, adam finishing grad school and his thesis, me getting laid off...to name the big ones. and although God has met us in each struggle we have found the most joy in our little lady. i keep thinking about how part of her name means "that which affords joy." it's so true. most of the time. being a parent is hard. not that i thought it'd be easy. i think it's more of a challenge for me some days when i'm physically tired and need a break but can't really take that break with a now 2 year old. or the fact that she has a total mind of her own. she can disobey now and rebel and whine. and it feels like she's been doing that a lot this week. it's been a full week...her big bash, my birthday, a poopie mess, then a medical procedure. and i'm just feeling extra tired and less patient this week.

how did this birthday post turn into a you know what fest?! goodness.

i've been thinking about how i want to celebrate her in this birthday post. i haven't really come up with anything profound so i will just celebrate all that she is doing and all that she means to us.

- she is talking up a storm. i feel like in the past month she has "bloomed." it's crazy what we get a front row seat as she learns to use words. words that she may have been hearing but stored away for later use. or long complicated words that she is willing to try out now that she is more comfortable with language. or words that elicit a response from us. i am constantly fascinated by this and it usually snaps me back to the reality of what a joy she is to us.

- when we went to New Orleans a couple weeks ago we visited the Aquarium for the first time and it was so cool. she breezed by most of the wanders that we saw but would sometimes stop to explore the creature behind the glass, especially the penguins. it was a super fun experience.

in a fish tank with daddy

touching a stingray

kissing a penguin

not sure about the birds

- she is still potty training. we've had a handful of accidents lately and she often fights going potty. i'm sure this is part of the process. sometimes i'm just ready for the day that she can totally go on her own. but i am thankful that we are out of diapers and only have to deal with dirty pull-ups at sleep time.

"building" blocks just to knock them down

- she is still an awesome eater. now that she can identify food or see it's color she takes a bit more time to warm up to somethings, but she always comes around and digs in. while we were in louisiana she had fried catfish and samosas. i am always thankful that she is a good eater and willing to try stuff.

sitting on a stool with her hair clipped back like a big girl

- i was a little nervous about the time change because most of my friends say it messes their kids up. but, i am happy to report that she slept until 8am on the morning of the time change. which makes me thankful that she is a good sleeper.

playing shape sorter with pap pap

- we had our first poop disaster this past week. on my birthday if you really want to know. i laid her down for a nap and was going to head to my own bed for a nap when i heard her calling "mommy." i did what i always do and ignored her until there was a pounding on her door. she was clearly no longer in bed. and what i walked into was a total mess...poo all over her hands and leg and carpet and floor and back of her door and the toy in her hand. before i put her in the tub for a while i obviously took some pics. it was a mess. i guess she didn't get the memo that it was my birthday.

what poo?!

- charis is keeping us busy. she loves to play with her new big blog legos...she says, "play blocks mommy." she loves to read books and recently asked for a "story" as if she knew some books tell a story and some just show pictures and silly rhymes.

sometimes sleeps with her books

i've prayed a lot for patience this week. i've always lacked it. our little lady is pretty persistent and will keep asking for something. it's silly when i try to explain why she can't have it or mommy can't get it while she is driving. even still she asks. so i see how easy it is to give in and so many times i want to. but by then i get to the point where i have to stand strong myself just to prove a point perhaps. maybe from the beginning it wasn't a battle worth fighting but i'm too far deep in my fight to give in. and so is she. so we are figuring out the whole discipline thing and setting up boundaries and all that stuff. and some days are harder than others.

was trying to get a pic of her slippers but i love this laugh

my prayer for Charis is that she will know Jesus. that she will desire to know Him from an early age. i often pray for the friends she will meet in her life, that they will point her to Jesus. i pray that God will protect her from mean girls, bullies and boys. i pray that she will be a part of a community like the one we are right now...a community that loves her, challenges her, supports her, encourages her and always reminds her whose she is...a dearly loved daughter. i am always asking God for guidance as He has chosen us to be her mom and dad. i can't do this without Him. i constantly need wisdom, patience, kindness, gentleness, grace and love. i am thankful and humbled to be her mom. i wouldn't trade the hard times for anything because i know it's part of the process. i'm thankful to have Adam beside me in this. my hope is that Charis will always know how deeply loved she is, not only by myself and Adam, but by her creator. she is fearfully and wonderfully made (ps. 139)

here is to another year of adventures with our little lady!! i will keep you updated on them.

bugga bugga

2011-11-09T07:50:00.002-05:00

i am not a party planner. i don't have the gift of cuteness and matching. i sometimes get overwhelmed with making sure all my different friends are feeling comfortable and having a good time. but this was different. our little lady was turning 2. i'm not totally into big gigs for little kiddos. they can get so crazy and expensive. but after my cancer came back this summer i decided i was going to have a party for her big day. i remember sitting in church and thinking i don't know how many birthdays i'll be here so i want to make sure i make the most of each of her birthdays while i am here. i know that might sound morbid, but a cancer diagnosis changes one's thinking. so, the planning began for her "bugga bugga birthday party." at her age she isn't "into" much but she likes bugs, or "buggas" as she calls them. we wanted to invite our friends; the many people in our community that are walking this road with us and who love Charis. they are helping us in so many ways. in this season of life it is taking our village to help raise our little girl. and we are so thankful.

the little bugga ready to party

jada & jocelyn having a snack before guest arrive

back to the party...so the bug theme was easy enough. enter Oriental Trading. that place is crazy and has anything and everything. i got lots of fun bug stuff. i decided to do a craft table with bug stencils and stickers, markers, crayons, colored pencils, and tissue paper butterflies. as well as a sandbox with plastic bugs called the "bugga bugga hunt." a pinata filled with bug finger puppets, wind up ladybugs, squish bugs, butterfly rings and of course candy. we also have those plastic balls (like old school ball pit at play places) and those were a hit. my friend Jen's sister made some fun bugs and signs. i made a pin the dot on the ladybug game, which we never played. i think because the rest of it was such a hit. with these and a big yard i was hopeful it would be a fun party.

the yard set-up

friends at the sand box diggin for buggas

camden and wade working hard on their art

david going back up the rollercoaster

we put charis down for her nap and starting setting up the party. the best part about this is that i was not stressed at all. i was excited to celebrate our little lady with our friends. i wasn't worried about much else, which was such a gift. i could just let go. and enjoy.
our friends started arriving and before long the party was in full swing...kids were drawing, coloring and making tissue butterflies or digging for bugs in the sand or diving in the balls or riding on our little coaster or just running around being a kid. it was great. and one of the high lights was when the pizza came (charis loves pizza). we ordered it from Jet's pizza and the delivery guy came dressed up in a costume...it was awesome. but i'm sad to say i don't have a picture of it. it was unbelievable. we had pizza then super yummy cupcakes then did the pinata in the dark. kinda forgot about that whole gets dark early business. oh well, it was still major fun and the kids loved it.

the lil bug loves her pizza

singing happy birthday to charis!

sweet paige on the Rody

the sweet sorrells girls

The highlight for me was seeing our little ladybug (yeah, i dressed her up for her birthday) play with her friends and squeal with excitement and say, "happy birthday" or "two!" she was so cute. i think she had a blast. i know, i did. and i was really proud of myself for pulling this party off and being able to enjoy it.

loving her cupcake!!

my little treat

2011-11-03T07:36:00.008-04:00

i am not creative but i wish i was. i love seeing handmade costumes and maybe one day i'll give it a try. but until then i'll buy them on the cheap. so this costume was the best 2 bucks i've ever spent. she wasn't sexy. she was so incredibly cute and scrumpteous. and she caught on fast to taking free candy from strangers with a "trick or treat" and a "thank you." (does anyone else think that is so weird?)

we went to our friend's neighborhood where there was a firetruck led parade, then food then trick-or-treating. charis loved all the kids in costumes, especially a little girl dressed as a spotted dog.

in her car, ready to go!

eating a little snack before hitting the houses

testing out the goods

we tried for a shot of the 4 of us

camden giving charis a high 5

we got back to courtney's house and while her kids dumped their candy to sort their goods charis was more interested in camden's toys. and let's just say she hasn't asked about her candy since then.

sexy walrus

2011-10-26T06:23:00.004-04:00

some people think it's weird that i didn't grow up celebrating halloween. i don't come from some crazy religious fanatic family either. not that those are the only types of families that don't celebrate halloween. but you can imagine most might be. when i was little my church did the whole dress up like an animal for noah's ark deal and that was fun enough. it wasn't until about 4th or 5th grade that i had a real problem with it. and honestly, i just wanted the candy. in 4th grade we were allowed to dress up for school only, which consisted of scrubs my mom got from working as a nurse. not very original. i do, however, remember a girl in my class getting in front of the class telling us she was a hooker. dead serious. see this is why we didn't celebrate it. :) by fall of my 5th grade year we wore our parents down enough to let us go trick-or-treating. i was a bum...dad's pjs and flannel shirt. they'd let us go but they were not going to spend any money on it. i remember going through our neighborhood collecting candy. and i remember hoarding that candy for weeks and months.

charis is barely 2 and we are planning to take her out. but i have to admit the whole thing is weird to me. so i'm going with a friend and her kids. i just love the idea of dressing up. and right now while charis is little i get to choose her costumes. i am not looking forward to the day when she wants to pick her own and all she will have to choose from is something slutty or sexy. we've all seen those costumes. at some point they go from innocent kid friendly full coverage costume to something mini and revealing. I just read this post from an 11-year old girl that is pretty amazing.

of course this topic is on my mind a lot...beauty and culture. part of it is because of how i'm wired and a lot of it is because of what i'm living through right now. my prayer for charis is that she will look to Jesus and not our culture for her identity. that in my own struggles and brokenness i can point her to her Creator to hear truth.

i'm not sure how this went from halloween to beauty. wait, yes i am. it's just how things go in my head. here is a little preview of my sweet & sassy walrus for monday. i'll let you know how it goes.

dear dss,

2011-10-21T20:28:00.002-04:00

i know i dissed you pretty hardcore in my earlier post. i'm sure you'd like to hear me say i'm going to take it back, but i'm not. i think you still deserve the criticism and could improve in some or rather many areas. i'm just saying...

but i do need to thank you for getting back to me so very quickly. i was ready to wait the standard 45 days. i really was. so when i saw the envelope in my mail stack with a mecklenburg county return address i wasn't sure what it could be. surely it couldn't be your decision about whether or not we got approved for charis' medicaid. no, couldn't be. i mean, technically, it's only been 6 days. i know 6! i can hardly believe it myself. when i opened up the letter i skipped through all the nonsense just to see the words i wanted to see..."The application for MEDICAID INFANT/CHILDREN for Charis Patwa is approved." Yay! Yippee! I'm so excited!! My previously uninsured baby girl is now insured!!! i mean, i knew we would be eligible. i'm so glad. in fact, i immediately made her appointment for her 2 year well check up.

so, thank you dss and my vague caseworker whose name is just a strand of letters and has a generic phone number. thank you. i'm serious. i probably won't be back to visit you any time soon though.
your friend,
amyp

23 months

2011-10-16T14:00:00.000-04:00

(this is our last "monthly" post, but we'll have lots ahead as she will keep being awesome and i'll want to share)
OH EM GEE homegirl is a mess and we are Looooooooooooving every bit of it. i'm sure i keep saying the same thing again and again, but she is for real a BUH-LAST! it's as if she has busted out of her shell. well, not that she's been in a shell. it's just that all of a sudden she is jabbering and full of toddler-type energy. we are constantly looking at each other in amazement at her. she is keeping us busy as we approach her 2nd birthday. yeah, i know! she's going to be 2! how crazy is that?! i'm constantly overwhelmed with this fact. anyway...i'm trying to be consistent and all that stuff. sometimes though it's hard. is she too young for us to screw her up? i'm thinking we'll keep the Barnabas Center in business for a while.

- so, she is a talker. lately she'll say anything (which means someone needs to watch what she says) we say. stringing together words into sentences ("i want mommy read book."), trying out new and bigger words, and sticking with short demands like, "water!" or "NO!" or "more!" which is great. NOT!

- she's discovered the alphabet. i think it started with one of her books..she loves to read. then all of a sudden she was sing-songing "now i know my..." which is so stinking cute. she loves the ABC song and will say "ABCD" whenever she sees letters. it's a totally new discovery for her and so fun to watch.

checking out the animals at the zoo

- she walked, i mean strolled, in another Race for the Cure with TEAM PATWA. and she was amazing! the walk was about 1 1/2 hours and we even went to an after party, which she had so much fun at. she was rocking her own pink uni in honor of her mama!

- she and Adam went to Louisiana together. they flew there for the weekend so Adam could hang out with some guys for some bachelor time. she was a trooper on her first plane trip. and she got to go to the ZOO for the first time where she said, "hi elephant" which adam caught on camera and was so cute. she also got to spend some great time with her paw paw and maw maw. adam also took her to the lakefront in Mandeville, which is one of our favorite places.

at the Mandeville lakefront

this is adam's cousin, Mo, i love the way she is looking at him

- she loves to read...in bed, on the potty, in the car, everywhere. it's fun now because she's recognizing books and saying words that actually match up. i am obsessed with watching her learn!

reading on the potty...that's how we roll

- she wakes up yelling my name lately. it's kinda hilarious and annoying to hear her hollering "Amy! Amy!" within minutes of waking. she trips me out. recently she said, "Amy, where are you?" out.of.control.

- she loves being outside and now that the weather is awesome, we are trying to get out more...going on walks mostly. i love the FAll. LOVE IT. and i think she does too. i mean, who doesn't love some fresh air and sunshine!?

we are staying busy...hence why this post is so late. if i could freeze things right now, i would. now, i know 3 is fun and so is 4 and it just keeps getting better. for me, though, i love right now. partly because i don't spend too much time looking ahead, i'm trying to enjoy today. and i am. i sometimes miss when she was in my tummy and we were anticipating her, or when she was itty bitty new. but, i love everything about this little lady who cuddles with me in her "new bed" and gives hugs and says, "hi luuuuv you." don't worry, she still whines and cries and challenges the heck out of me. i guess i'm trying to enjoy that too. i'm so thankful God gave me this chance to be her mama. so thankful.

a day in the life

2011-10-13T20:07:00.001-04:00

let's be honest, it's rare for 2 of my days to look the same. but it can happen. today it was another day with my friends over at DSS. for those of you not familiar with the acronym, that is the department of social services. look, i'm not trying to bash the government, but let's be honest, whoever has a good, even okay, experience at most governmental-type agencies?

this was my 4th time there. the first time i went was to apply for Food & Nutrition Benefits (aka food stamps). it opens at 8am. a line forms outside as early at 7am. here is how it works: you come with your specific application and upon arrival need to fill out what is called a "household form" then wait in one of the 10 or so lines that can be 3-8 people deep. when you get to the person at the window they "greet" you with a "how can i help you?" and you give them your paperwork and stand in silence while they tap on a keyboard and jot notes in the margins of the paper. then they hand you a pager (like you get at a restaurant) and tell you to have a seat and when the pager goes off to head to the vending machines at the end of the hall. the waiting room fills up and the lines overflow as the morning progresses.
1st visit: i wait in the area for 3 hours with nothing. i didn't bring a book. and there is no one to ask questions. if a worker is walking by they don't make eye contact with you and therefore it's not inviting to ask, "um, excuse me, but i've been here for 3 hours. and, well, you see this is my first time here. the lady told me to wait and my pager would go off and it hasn't. i've seen people come and go, but i'm still waiting. i understand that everyone is here for something different, so maybe i just have to wait. but, you see, i have a doctor's appt to go to in concord, otherwise i would keep waiting. can you help me?" yeah, so that never happened. the only way to ask where i was in the "queue" was to get back in line which was now about 10 people deep each. so, on the verge of tears i left. i called adam and cried. i was so frustrated. i think i'm pretty resourceful and kinda smart enough to be prepared. but nothing can prepare you for this.
2nd visit: after my 3 hour debacle i went back armed and ready. well, not really. i showed up earlier this time, like 7:30a so i could go straight to the front. i had my household form ready and was one of the first in the waiting room. it's called a waiting room for a reason. you wait. i mean i got paged after about an hour and had a fairly pleasant "interview" with a caseworker. they call it an interview but it's basically a caseworker filling out some info and scanning your documents into the computer. then after about 10 minutes you are done. they give you a date (about 30-45 days away) that you should hear whether you are approved or not. and that's it.
3rd visit: the day after our family benefits ended (with COBRA i had to drop adam & charis) i wanted to get charis signed up for Health Choice (ie medicaid) as soon as possible. i knew i could only stay for an hour and a half so when i got to the window i asked how long she thought it would be for me to get an interview. she said at least 2 hours, but i could leave my application and they will process it without an interview and contact me within 30-45 days if they need more information. great, i thought. i handed over my application and in good faith trusted "they" would contact me. who was i kidding?
4th visit: today marks the 43rd day and i never heard from them. figures. so, i got online to see what forms/info i needed and headed over by 7:30. i was about 10th in line and i had all my forms so when the doors opened i could go straight to the window. look, i get that these folks see a lot a people and get asked lots of questions, but is it really that hard to squeeze out a smile first thing in the morning?! i explained that i had come last month but hadn't heard anything. no comment. literally. she just took my form and began tapping away and scribbling notes. but i was the first to get my pager and head to the waiting room. i had all my forms and 3 hours to devote. i waited a little over an hour before i got paged. my lovely caseworker greeted me at the door by the vending machines. i followed her to her desk and we began the "interview." at some point i asked about that other application and she said she saw no evidence of another application in the system. she told me i would get something in the mail on or "just before" 11/27 letting me know if we've been approved or not. that's 45 days. another 45 days to wait. i was out of there by 9:30a, which was great, but i was frustrated that i trusted them and didn't go back sooner.

i know lots of kids go without healthcare and that is fine. but i'd rather not. i know that it's out there and if we are eligible, which i'm sure we are, then i want to take advantage of the help available to get my baby girl some healthcare. i just wish the system didn't suck so bad. i have to admit that i'm pretty ashamed of the thoughts i had while waiting in that waiting room. the first time i was extremely judgemental. then i realized i was there too and needed the help. i'm not necessarily planning to go back, but if i do i will be ready.

so, there you go. a day in the life of me going to DSS. but it's all for a good reason...

a little bit of syd

2011-10-11T20:28:00.002-04:00

i was "surfing the net" recently and found this video. first i saw a picture of this girl and she reminded me of my friend, sydney. so then i watched her TED video (i'm still not clear on what TED is). sydney had the funnest wardrobe. if i was her size i would have borrowed lots of stuff. she wore lots of color and funky styles and looked great in anything polyester. she wasn't afraid to wear something crazy, like those long shorts that looked like a skirt. and she could definitely accessorize. she made most of her jewelry and it was pretty rad. we both had a love of thrift shops. one of our first "dates" was at the salvation army. i always see something she would love when i'm at a thrift store. i think sydney would have liked this jessi girl. i do.

Jessi Arrington: Wearing nothing new | Video on TED.com

an end of an era...

2011-10-06T19:16:00.001-04:00

i know that i've talked about Young Life many times on here. it's because YL has been a part of my life for a long time. once i experienced it in high school at windy gap in the summer of 1994 i knew i wanted to be a part of this ministry for the rest of my life. and i have had the opportunity to do just that for the past 17 years.
in high school i got involved my junior year after this trip to windy gap. i saw YL as a great opportunity to grow in my faith and reach out to my friends. i got to go to frontier in colorado with a cabin full of girls that i still call friends today. i was loved by a leader who is still my friend.
in college it took me a few years to become a leader. after spending a month on summer staff in 1999 i knew i had to lead and become a part of a community like the one i experienced for that month. later that year i met with the area director in cabarrus county and by january i was signed up to lead at northwest cabarrus. i remember that first club vividly as they introduced me as the new leader. i remember the girls i met first as they squealed with excitement to be at club. i remember the group of leaders that i got to become friends with. i spent 2 1/2 more years leading in cabarrus county. and i knew i wanted to go on staff with YL after college. i'm still friends with one of those squealing girls and another girl that we had campaigners at her house often. they both had a heart for their friends. now they are both married. it's fun to get to see them still. i'm still friends with the area director i met with all those years ago and a handful of the leaders i was fortunate to lead beside. those were some of my favorite years. i think in college i was a great leader. :)

"my girls" from Northwest Cabarrus @ Windy Gap

in 2002 i went on staff with YL in louisiana where i spent 2 years leading either solo or with 1 or 2 other leaders. our clubs weren't huge in numbers, but they were fun. we had a couple guys playing music and some pretty faithful kids that made it all worth it. those 2 years were a time of growing and stretching for me. i met one of my closest friends, laura, who i spent a lot of time with exploring the city of new orleans and talking about God, life and ministry. i also lived with a couple amazing families who loved me like their own and totally believed in what i was doing. ministry was hard, but i made some pretty amazing friends along the way and I know God was at work. i also met my husband as i "moonlighted" at Outback Steakhouse. he started out as my "movie star crush" and eventually became my husband. after my two years in louisiana, i moved back to Charlotte.

me and Adam at the STC carnival

2 of my girls in LA...Lauren and Maribeth

my soul sista, Laura

i took some time off from YL staff and a break from leading for a year. in 2005 a friend asked me to go to frontier with a group of girls from myers park. you did not have to twist my arm. after a year of leading at MP i went back on staff with YL and became a leader at Country Day. for a girl who grew up on the "other side of the tracks" and graduated from West Charlotte, leading at Country Day was a new and surprising experience. i loved every bit of it. i discovered leading at a private school was unique and we needed to make some programatic adjustments. but high school kids are the same everywhere. so, the core of the ministry...building relationships with high school kids and telling them about Jesus...was the same, sometimes it just looked different. in the past 5+ years i have had the amazing opportunity to get to know many high school kids and become friends with some great girls who i hope to know for many years to come. God has given me the opportunity to share my life with them in unique ways. i've gotten to know siblings and parents too. i feel like i was totally embraced by them. i'm sure they weren't crazy about their kids hanging out with the leader with a nose ring, but i think they knew my heart.
about 6 weeks ago i began feeling God doing something in my heart in regards to YL. let's be honest, the past year or so has been tough, but kid ministry for me has been wonderful and unique as i've walked through cancer and being laid-off. my summer with kids was incredible as i began to let them into what was going on. i got to experience God's grace and love along the way. and at the end of the day, i love high school kids. love them. but i was feeling overwhelmed and lonely with YL. i was trying to blame other things, but i think God was calling me away from leading YL. and i resisted. i wanted to prove i could lead YL as a volunteer and with cancer. adam helped me see just how prideful and sinful this was. i struggled for a few weeks as i figured things out. then through a conversation with my own YL leader and pastor, God made it clear it was time for me to step down. i was hoping he'd make it easy on me, like if i didn't like high school kids anymore. but he didn't. he did however, give me the greatest peace ever. it was clear what i needed to do and when i made the decision i had tremendous peace.

adam and i have a lot going on. duh. and it's important for us to pour our energy into our marriage, family and community. we needed our schedule to be freed up to pursue time with each other and friends. and already we've been able to do that. i also still get to be in high school girls' lives. i'm having lunch with a handful of senior girls every other week and will still hang out with the girls from camp and lead the junior girls' bible study on monday mornings. i also still stay in touch with the girls who've graduated and are now freshmen and sophomores at school. i am so thankful to still get to do what i think God called me to do originally...love high school girls and share my life with them. it's what Jesus did (not strictly with high school girls, obviously). YL is just a tool, a great one.

our cabin from frontier 2009

ccds group at frontier this summer

i am looking forward to this new season for us. to have more time for each other. to have the freedom to go to the school when i can. to keep pursuing the established relationships i have with girls. to build friendships with the girls who are now in college. and to pray for what God is continuing to do (without me. surprise) at Country Day.

the pink cancer fairy

2011-10-03T14:16:00.008-04:00

i have no idea what comes over me on the day of the Race for the Cure but it's something for sure. i think it's God's way of helping me enjoy life. it's His way of allowing me to be who He made me to be in all my pink (and maybe even obnoxious) glory. but, it's a day that i get to be with so many people i love and who love me, who wake up extra early to don something pink with their "team patwa" t-shirt and walk 3 miles with me. i love it all. i love being surrounded by these people. i love getting to be a part of a bigger community of survivors and their loved ones. i love getting to wear a pink wig, fairy wings, knee high socks and fishnets.

me and courtney...bf & team captain

my friend (& old yl girl) leah
this was my 2nd year doing the race as a survivor. and sometimes it's weird that the reason the event even happens is because of and for woman like me. women whose lives have been turned upside down with a cancer diagnosis. i'm one of those women, and i still can't believe it.

me and my mom...a survivor herself of 13 years

most of the time i am so thankful for where God has me. i know that may sound crazy. and i'm not being all "religious" by saying the "right" thing while feeling something different. look, i'll be honest when i say that sometimes our life is really hard and it can totally suck. now that alone is enough for me to pull the covers over my head and never emerge. AND, lately the verse (and sundsay school song) that plays in my head is, "This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." we have so much to be thankful for. so much. and although there is a lot of uncertainty we know that God is faithful and good. life might feel unfair, but He isn't. life might feel crazy and chaotic, but He is not. people may disappoint, but He does not. for me, it's living in the AND...the tension of the good & bad, joy & pain. i can't ignore what's hard or scary, but I can take those to Jesus. it's where i find comfort and strength for each day. i think God made me for this trial. as crazy as that sounds. i believe it. and i believe that He is using this to draw me closer to Him, to reveal Himself to others, to grow and deepen my marriage, to bring me sweet and joyful moments with Charis, to change me and maybe those around me.

the girls from West Charlotte:

wc girls mk,jessamy,sal,me,julie,lindsay,kristin

my bf chaille

my sweet friends hannah & taryn

if i could go around charlotte in my pink wig and fishnets i totally would. and i might. because i have cancer. although i can't really do whatever i want, i do have more liberties to do something crazy. right?! i mean, who's going to say something to me?! oh goodness...so sassy. i think that's why i loved the outfit so much. oh and i also got to have a piece with DeAngelo Williams and some topcats that was pretty amazing. let's just say it involved me "flying in" then doing a sort of mary katherine gallagher pose then "flying out." i think it was pretty life-changing for those who witnessed it. :) oh goodness.

a little glimpse at the action

so, here is to another year. i am thankful for my family and friends that are a part of "team patwa" on the day of and in spirit. i guess i'd rather us not have to do it, but we do, so let's do it right! i hope we'll be back next year as a team and i hope to be cancer free then.

these two make it all worth fighting for!!

oh happy day!

2011-09-28T07:10:00.003-04:00

I wrote the following the day of sydney's funeral. It was a happy day. It's been a month and I miss my friend a lot. There are a few links in this post I'd love for you to check out...you can listen to Sydney's funeral and another sermon I reference at Hope's website, and you should read Jen's stories about their little scrappy and their girls. just a head's up.

Today was sydney’s funeral…her party or celebration. And it was beautiful and marvelous and everything Sydney. The visitation last night wasn’t what I had pictured but it was what I needed (not that it's about me) and perfectly Sydney. It was a room full of people she loved and who loved her, sharing stories, comforting, weeping, smiling, laughing, remembering and celebrating her. Adam and I came home re-energized. It was what I think sydney would want and hope for.

Today the funeral was even better. I woke up tired and heavy and sad. This felt more final to last night’s celebration. But I was wrong. It was a wedding celebration at it’s finest. Mark talked a lot about marriage and weddings and all that scripture says about them. About how God’s love for us mirrors that of a husband and wife. About how today is a wedding as Sydney is meeting her bridegroom Jesus in heaven. We sang fun worship songs and heard from her brother and closest friend. Their words made us laugh and cry. One thing that struck me is how consistent Sydney was. She was the same to everyone and throughout all the years. She wasn’t afraid to be bold. And to point others to Jesus.

I am so struck by how she always pointed to Jesus…in words, in actions, in music, in art, in friendships, in marriage, in everything she did. For those who know Jesus, she was part of bringing us closer to Him. For those who didn’t know Jesus she was Jesus to them. I am pretty sure she introduced many people to Jesus. So many of us are forever changed because of her. I know her death is bringing more people to Jesus. It’s glorious. That was evident today. People who were there today saw Jesus. They also saw a church that is real and living out the Gospel. And that gets me pretty jazzed up.

Just hours after saying good-bye to Syd I got the news from Jen that she and Chris got their babies. The first I heard about them was last week. At the time her heart was heavy from what they had just walked through (little Scrappy). They drove to meet the girls yesterday and fell in love. It would be a whole day for them to make the decision. Around 5pm Jen called and said, “we are going to pick up our daughters at 10 tomorrow!” I wept. So much joy was bubbling over. They are 3 and 5. I cannot wait to meet them. And I cannot wait to see Chris and Jen as daddy and mama.

For all this to happen this week is a beautiful picture of the Gospel. Redemption. Restoration. Homecoming. Glory. Rejoicing. Joy. Sadness too. The week started with great sadness for me as I felt this was Syd’s final battle. Then at church Mark preached on our suffering bringing us closer to the resurrection and he used the Hunts’ story as an illustration. It was beautiful and sad. And syd’s parents were there too. That day we knew Syd would probably not make it another day. Jesus took her home on Monday. Her absence is massive. We are ending this week celebrating the homecoming of our sweet Sydney to heaven and 2 little girls into our community. It’s unbelievable. It’s nothing short of a miracle. We prayed for syd to be set free and she is. We’ve prayed for the hunts to have kids and now they have 2. And it hasn’t been without deep suffering and rich joy. I am thankful to be both of their friends. I am thankful to be a daughter of the King. I am thankful God loves me enough to take me through my own suffering. I am thankful to be a part of such a ridiculously amazing community. I am thankful for today. Today is the day that the Lord has made; I will rejoice and be glad in it.

Thank you Jesus for this day. Thank you Jesus for my friend, Sydney. Thank you for these little girls coming home to Jen and Chris. Thank you.

spread the word

2011-09-16T23:22:00.008-04:00

i should have my friend, taryn, guest blog sometimes. she's funky and creative. she's fun and easy to be with. and she has an amazing little girl, nora, who is curious and inquisitive and not ashamed to speak her mind or ask questions. there have been many stories in the past that i wish i could have captured on my blog because they are funny.

aren't they the cutest!?

recently we were hanging out with these 2 favorite girls of mine when nora asked if i was a boy. taryn told her that some girls have short hair and mine is just really short. but, you see it wasn't my hair that got her questioning. it was my chest. as if she wasn't convinced she began patting my chest and asking about my "boobies." taryn and i sort of giggled to diffuse the "situation" and i told taryn she could handle that. she calmly told nora that she'd have to talk to her about it later. and later she did. i got a text from taryn that said, "fyi i ended up telling nora that women have many different chest shapes, but we all have vaginas. spread the word." i almost said an "amen" when i read that text. taryn was able to keep the integrity of her daughter's curiosity without shaming her or over explaining. a child doesn't need to know that i have had surgery to remove my breasts. or that something was wrong with my breasts. it's that simple and true...we all have different shapes and sizes of chest, but we all have vaginas. i'm doing my part to spread the word.

i'm thankful charis has nora in her life

this is a funny kid story laced with something very heavy. in the days following this i realized that my own daughter may not grow up expecting to see or feel breasts on women like nora did. i am not afraid to change clothes in front of my daughter because i don't have anything to hide. but i realize that she is seeing a woman's body differently than most (all) little girls. it's not that i have a "flat chest" or small breasts; it's that in place of breasts i have scars. adam and i are aware that this will affect her as she becomes a woman, but by no means do we think it's something we will talk about anytime soon. i have no idea how old she'll be when she starts asking where my "boobies" are. hopefully by then, i'll have reconstruction. but that isn't guaranteed. in the mean time i want to make sure that she doesn't see me as ashamed of or embarrassed by my body. and that's hard because i am. i'm learning to know WHOSE i am; that i am beautiful and loved despite how my body looks. one of my favorite passages that i'm clinging to now is
"For we are God's handiwork (workmanship; masterpiece), created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." Ephesians 2:10

hair reflections

2011-09-11T16:00:00.003-04:00

i've had a lot of reflections lately. reflections about my friend sydney, her family, her friends, our community, God. reflections about cancer, death & life. reflections about hair. i knew i'd lose my hair again for this round of chemo. i had just started liking my kinky-curly-post-chemo-hair, only to start losing it again. i had decided not to have another head shaving party. that's just too weird. i would keep it a bit longer and i kinda wanted to do a mini mohawk. something a little fun. i have been a bit more timid about losing my hair this year because this time i don't have breasts. it's hard that most of my body isn't feminine, and how much hair and breasts are a part of that. my friend sydney's little girl told me the other day that i look like a girl still because..."you have earrings and a necklace. and you're wearing a dress. that's how you can tell you still look like a girl." in her 5 year old mind, it was that simple. and i'm grateful for that.

my hair started coming out midway between my 1st and 2nd round of chemo. it wasn't dramatic. just lots of stray hairs, which is kind of gross. while in charleston i decided to spend the money to get it cut...trimmed on the sides and longer on top. it was subtle. and after a week i didn't like it any more. it made me look and feel more like a guy and less funky. so i was going to shave it. this time we did a sort of family head shaving party...my brother and dad began buzzing my head. my brother shaved the sides into a legit mohawk. with the encouragement of adam, my brother and sister i decided to keep the hawk. just for a day. according to adam it doesn't count if you only have it for a little bit. i was a little nervous at first. mohawks are abrupt and funky, right up my alley.

tony making the finishing touches on the hawk

charis wasn't quite sure what was going on with "mommy hair"

when my friend sydney died i knew i needed to keep the mohawk for the week. she would have totally loved it. i wish she could have seen it. by the end of the week my hair was still coming out, so adam shaved off the hawk. i have to admit i liked it and wish i did it sooner. i got lots of looks and sideways glances. you don't see many mohawks in charlotte.

a side view taken the day of syd's funeral

i'm not attached to may hair. it's just hair. yet if you ask most women they would say it'd be hard to lose their hair. hair helps us identify as women. it helps us feel pretty and feminine. we can color it and style it. we often spend absurd amounts of money to keep it up. i don't mind being bald. i think if i really minded i'd find a wig i liked and wear it. i struggle with wearing anything on my head, whether a scarf or wig. it makes me feel more self-conscious. so, i will embrace my baldness. i will live in the innocence of a 5 year old and find other ways to be feminine. i will continue to find bravery and strength from Jesus. it's through Him that i get through each day. my hope is in Jesus. my identity is in Jesus. not by hair.

not pretty...our little head shaving party

i'm thankful for a husband who loves me no matter what i look like. this isn't the woman he married (on the outside). i can only hope what God is doing on our insides is way better. i'm sure it is. he really is wonderful. he still thinks and tells me i'm pretty.
"therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day bay day." 2 Cor. 4:16

22 months of FULLness

2011-09-07T21:38:00.000-04:00

this is the look she gives most people

we are getting so close to 2 years old. i can't believe it. then i get to officially stop aging her in months. man, people can be really particular about this. i might say, "a year and half" and they are like, "oh, 18 months" and i'm like, "well, technically 21 months." or i might say, "she's 21 months" and someone is all, "gotta be real specific there, huh?" or something like that. i mean, it make sense to do the whole month thing. but, now i say, "she's almost 2" or "she'll be 2 in november." i didn't realize people cared so much. anyway...let's get to the matter at hand...our baby is almost 2!! crazy. and she is changing more rapidly it seems. becoming a big girl. getting a little naughty. talking a bunch. and still the prettiest little patwa ever. (i would say prettiest little girl ever, but that is pretentious even if it is true)

it has been a FULL month. she is keeping us busy. we are learning about discipline on the fly at times. she is like a sponge. it's as if you can watch her learn, like actually see it happening. it's crazy and totally fascinating.

kisses from daddy

- as i said in my previous post...we are potty-training. she is officially out of diapers and wearing big girl underwear. she is good at telling us she needs to go (or has gone) pee pee. and, thankfully, she has no problem going poo poo on the potty. i've heard that can be a challenge.

cooperating while daddy traces her

- she still eats like a champ. my friend is always commenting on her "sophisticated pallet." i mean, we just give her things to try and are always surprised by what she'll eat. like raw onions, for instance. loves them. which i agree is kind of strange. she also loves to eat cereal, especially drinking the milk at the end.

LOVES to drink milk from her cereal bowl

- she is talking a ton. she is willing to try out any and all new words. that's where it's fun to watch...as if you can see her learning. and when she says a word it's so cute. like "shadow" and "work" and "picture" and "pocket" which sounds like "potchure". she's doing the whole stringing words together..."daddy work", "mommy write", "i want water", "dolly night night", "ride car" and stuff like that. she's able to communicate so much. there is still a lot i don't get or understand. i always thought when you became a mom that changed. not so much for me. but we're figuring it out. oh and she's FINALLY saying "thank you." i think she's just been playing me the whole time. figures.

first time painting

- i've also noticed her ability to get around more/better. her wobbly walk turned into a run. i have to be discreet when i go after her b/c she'll take off. i've gotten too comfortable letting her wonder. at a recent high school football game she'd just walk up to a group of kids; mostly grade school age. i felt pretty safe. i mean, it was country day. but later on i kept thinking about that i may be too comfortable and it started freaking me out. i'm just trying to give her space to roam.

doing yoga with daddy

- she's spending her first night tonight in a BIG GIRL bed. her pap pap and nana brought her new bed over yesterday and got some new bedding tonight. we set it all up and she went down fine. we just checked on her all stretched out in her twin bed. it's weird how in her crib she didn't really have covers (sheet and blanket) or a pillow and now she does. we'll see how the night goes.

i mean! how cute is that face in her big girl bed!

- she LOVED the beach and i'm so thankful we got to go this summer. she loves water. she could spend hours in the bathtub kicking and blowing bubbles. i hope we can get a final swim in at my dad's. and there is the indoor pool at the Y. we gotta do that more. she's our little water baby.

having fun in the pool with daddy

- i think she's getting some more teeth...the fangs. it just means she drools a lot and has her fingers in her mouth. it makes her moody too.

i just think she's so cute in this hat!

- we went to the Indian Festival recently for some good food. we really just went for the food which was yummy!! she wasn't afraid to try it.

enjoying a samosa

- she has got a strong will and is feisty. i love every ounce of her. but she can be naughty. she is becoming more aware of what she's not supposed to be doing. it's funny to watch her. well, not funny, interesting. recently she was drinking out of a cup in the car. i looked back and saw that she was putting something in it. she immediately pointed at me as if to say, "turn around! nothing to see here." this went on a few times. one time i looked back and she held the cup to her mouth, pretending to drink. she knew. i took the cup back and found crumbs from her car seat in the bottom. so, it's part of our responsibility to teach her right from wrong and set up healthy boundaries and not shame her and teach her about repentance and grace. phew! it can be so overwhelming. and sometimes i don't feel equipped. it makes me realize i can't do this without God and without Adam.

rocking the headband

- she started back to school last week. she's in the "young 2's" class and gets to be with her friend, desiree. she seems to love it. she's so easy about going with others and into childcare, which is nice.

so excited for her first day of school

- we celebrated our friend, Caroline's 2nd birthday with some of her daddy's yummy bbq. charis enjoyed playing with the beach ball, toy broom, playing solo and eating.

more interested in the camera than the birthday girl. sad

in light of the news we got last week about the strong possibility of not having any more kids i've done a lot of thinking about how thankful i am for sweet charis. i could not have anticipated this 2 1/2 years ago, but God could. i am trying to savor more time and moments with her. i still try to rush things or busy ourselves. but i'm remembering to soak up this time. i came home last monday, after being told we shouldn't/couldn't have more kids and that my friend Sydney had died, exhausted and sad. charis had woken up around midnight so i rocked her...as i did i wept as i thought about not being able to hold and rock other children and wondering when the last time sydney got to do the same with her children. it was incredibly sad. whether charis is our only child or one of many, i am going to enjoy the heck out of this time with her. she is a delight and a true source of joy for us. i'm so thankful for the chance to be her mom.

it's POTTY time!

2011-09-03T22:34:00.002-04:00

when using "no hands" on the potty, one should wear a helmet

yes, we are officially potty training. as i've shown/mentioned on my blog before we introduced the potty early to charis. because of that i wasn't sure how to make the official switch to real potty training and not just "elimination communication." after talking to a few moms it turns out you just start using big girl undies. which are so cute. which is sketchy to say.

we were going to start earlier in the summer but per her pediatrician's recommendation we decided to wait. that was when i was having surgery and she might be "traumatized" and "regress." since surgery didn't happen we decided to go through with it. plus someone mentioned summer clothes are easier to train in. makes sense. plus i'm not sure how my energy level will be later in the fall/winter. and since she is familiar with her potty we thought she was ready.

the first few days were an adventure. i don't have the patience to stay home and do a lock-down type of training so i decided to go on with normal life. which means using public potties. my other mom friends recommended using the potty before leaving the house and upon arriving to our destination. we've been using a small bjorn potty and one of those small seats that goes on our big potty. she is super comfortable on the small potty. she wasn't crazy about using the big potty. but every time the toilet flushed she made the best face. like "oh!"

on our trip to the beach we decided to leave the small potty and just take the potty seat. she is doing a better "job" at using big potties in public and her potty seat at home. she is also doing a good "job" at telling us when she needs to go. this is sometimes hard because she likes to say "pee pee" a lot and point to her "pee pee" too. sometimes she says, "ewwww poo poo" which is so cute. and true.

i am really proud at how well she is doing. we haven't had many accidents. we are using diapers during nap and bed time. but a few times she's taken her nap in big girl underwear. and she's even been dry in her diaper overnight. i'm not sure when to make that switch completely and i'm not too worried about it. she also does good at the Y, school and when she is with others. she loves to wipe and flush. she's becoming such a big girl. i can't believe it. it seems like potty-training is one step in the direction of her becoming a big girl. i'm excited and sad all at the same time.

she may kill me for this, but it's cuteness

my friend, syd

2011-08-29T21:26:00.005-04:00

words are inadequate for sure. today i lost a dear, sweet and amazing friend. i wanted to be her friend the moment i saw her at church. but it took us a few years to finally connect. our friendship was forged on the ride home from our church's women's retreat. we talked about everything; cramming it into our 2-3 hour drive home. there was no turning back. we were friends now. finally.

i found myself hanging out at her house a lot after that. she was so easy to be with. she was bold and beautiful. nothing like the daytime drama. she had such a presence about her. i knew she was in a room without seeing her. she was so uniquely her. i love in Psalm 139 when it talks about God creating us in our mother's womb. and i think about the way He knit her together to be free-spirited, humble, fierce, kind, funky, curious, and His. she would ask questions about everything. she was so not afraid. she, of course, did not meet a stranger. that is something people say about other people and you don't really know what it means. it means that she would and could talk to anybody. she was intrigued by others and their stories. she was open to everyone and wanted to hear their story. she was larger than life. what does this really mean? i've thought a lot about it because it seems to describe her well. i actually looked it up and it means "attracting special attention because of unusual and flamboyant appearance or behavior." she did this...attracted special attention. but, it came from a place of depth and heart. i have never met someone like her. and i don't think i will.

just months after the birth of this new and fabulous friendship my sweet friend was diagnosed with a brain tumor, just weeks after giving birth to her 3rd child, Boone. all of those who love her were devastated. what ensued were 2 1/2 years of joy, sorrow, fear, pain, as well as countless tests, scans, and doctors' visits. there was also the booty loop we volunteered at, the trip to winston salem to get her bike, lots of juicing & blending, and plenty of afternoons hanging out. i am thankful for every second i got to spend with her. she changes people. she changed me. i often longed to lay next to her when she was struggling. in a way i craved to be around her. she was that kind of person. i am one of many that will miss her. she was a kindred spirit to many and i'm thankful that i was one of them. God used her to transform my own heart and to change my relationships.

today she is free of pain. today she walks in glory with a God who, 36 years ago began knitting her together in her sweet mama's womb. today she is not bound by the suffering and physical pain of this tumor. i am sad that she is gone. and i am thankful that she is set free and with her Jesus. my heart is heavy for her husband and 3 sweet babies, as well as her family and friends. this week we will get a chance to remember and celebrate our sweet friend, Sydney Boone Gaylord. and one day i will see her again.

i'm not sure what i'll miss the most about syd. her laugh is one thing.
i love you syd.

you down with IOP!

2011-08-24T07:03:00.005-04:00

playing in the surf

we got the opportunity to get away to the beach for a few days. adam was able to take off another day so we made it 4. we left late friday night because we wanted to maximize our time and i'm so glad we did. the house was right across the street from the beach and the weather was perfect the whole time. it was exactly what we needed.

charis LOVED it. i knew she'd love it but seeing is believing. she was content to play in the sand, scooping and dumping and digging. she was brave in the water as she boldly walked through the crashing surf. even when it knocked her down she didn't seem phased but got back up and kept going. if it wasn't for lunch and nap time or that it's unsafe to be out in the sun all day, i think she would have stayed on the beach all day.

digging and digging

i decided to forgo my "special" suit with breast forms for my old regular suit with nothing. it had a little padding but it clearly didn't fool anyone. i'm just not comfortable in the other suit with breast forms. as we walked to the beach that first day i felt scared and liberated all at once. let's just say that the beach isn't a safe place (like the Y) for me in a swimsuit. but there is something about being around strangers that helps me not care. although i wasn't trying to go for a walk on the beach in my suit. as i sat there watching adam and charis play in the surf i became overwhelmed with joy that i wanted to cry. i felt so very thankful for this...a trip away to the beach with my family, watching charis enjoy every bit of it, being well enough to sit on the beach. and i also felt sad that i'm living in a body that continues to betray me and crush my femininity. it's such a strange tension to live in. i can't ignore the sadness i feel. the goodness doesn't take it away. yet having the chance to experience joy in the midst of such pain is a gift. i know this. and i don't take it for granted. my heart could have bursted a lot this past weekend at the beach as i watched our little lady and as i allowed the sadness i've been feeling to surface in the safety of a man who loves me relentlessly.

we tried for a family pic

one post cannot capture all the fun photos so i will have a photo-only post too.

oh and look at that cute butt

a doctor's visit

2011-08-19T20:32:00.003-04:00

i know a few doctors. i'm not trying to be funny. what i mean is that i have a few friends that are doctors. and since my diagnosis i often wonder what it's like for them as i sit in the room awaiting life changing news or for a check up. i have to say that i think i have some pretty great doctors. i don't doubt any of their knowledge or skill when it comes to caring for me. what i do have to say is that some are just more socially...uh, i can't think of the right word. let's say that some are just more socially appropriate, maybe? or just more social or personable. i can't imagine what it's like for a doctor when they have to tell a young woman that she has cancer. not once but twice. my cancer doctor has a great reputation. we heard recently that he may be one of the best in charlotte and even the state. wow. i don't doubt that. i just have had some interesting conversations with him in the past year. and i just had to share this most recent one.

Door opens

Dr.: “So, are you ready to get this taken care of?”

Me: “yes”

Dr..: “ you know, in all my years of doing this no one has ever said ‘no.’”

Crickets

Doctor proceeds to roll down right shirt sleeve

Dr.: “well it’s a good thing I’m wearing long sleeves….”

Patient sits waiting and wondering where he is going with this

Dr. continues: “…because I might have some things up my sleeve.”

Crickets

Doctor then begins to talk about some legit things coming “down the pipeline” that may be helpful in treatment.

Doctor begins examination. Do not talk to him with his sthesascope in b/c apparently they are noise cancelling.

Note: this doctor rarely leaves time for questions, much less asks if there is anything else. Yet he talked of being “paranoid” which is why he’d like to see me 10 days post chemo.

Doctor wraps up to leave

Patient: “oh wait, I wanted to let you know that I’m going to go see a doctor at Duke named Kimberly Blackwell. I called Helen and told her Monday.”

Patient was ready to give her many reasons why this is necessary but was surprised that she didn’t need to.

Dr. L: “yeah, I know her. I haven’t seen her in a while. Maybe 3 weeks. But I know her. She’s tall. She’s probably about my height.”

Doctor exits

Conversation between patient and husband goes something like this:
“seriously?! He has nothing to say about her specialty or work or anything. What he chooses to leave us with is, ‘she’s tall.’” “of course he had to say he knew her twice.”

so, there you go. it's as if you went with me. i still laugh at this exchange b/c i can't believe all he told me about this particular doctor (who is a specialist in MY type of breast cancer and works primarily with young women) is that she is tall. my appointment with her is the 29th and i'll be sure to report on her height.

the yard in pictures

2011-08-18T15:41:00.006-04:00

as promised here are some pictures of the yard. some guys from church came over and worked with adam to destroy what had become our jungle. i should have done a before picture. just imagine greenery creeping up the house and bushes so full you could only see the top half of the house.

let's just say i've never seen this half brick wall before. bushes were hedged so much that we won't be able to walk around the house nude. i mean--who does that anyway!?

a little explanation here...while mowing they discovered that bees/yellow jackets or some sort of bad stinging bug lives underground. they bury holes in the ground (sometimes where a dead tree once lived) and the only way to get rid of them is to pour gasoline in their hole at night then "plug" the hole with a bottle. we did this twice...they should be dead now but i'm not so sure. i think they have an underground resort.

dead dogwood. sad.

i have no idea what the hell these bushes are called. i just know as i child i would run my fingers down it's "leaf" and cut myself. i did this countless times as if one time it wouldn't cut me. it always did. we have a set of about 5-7 of these on both sides of our driveway. this one even had a couple; yes a couple, trees growing out of the center. it appears the guys destroyed these. the only sad part is i think a family of bunnies lived in this one. i hope they found a new place.

this is about 40 feet of yard waste. we got a hate letter (not really) from the yard waste guys telling us we should have bagged it all and next time we won't get a pick up if it's not bagged. ouch.

the finished product...so pretty.

lately

2011-08-15T14:20:00.003-04:00

cancer sucks. it sucks because i could die. it sucks because it's jacked up my body. it sucks because i may pass it on to my daughter. it sucks because it makes me tired. it sucks for a lot of reasons.

AND

in the midst of something incredibly sucky we get to experience some pretty incredible things. the bible talks about suffering producing perseverance and stuff like that. and we hear that in our suffering we get to experience Jesus. this is true and has been true for us since my first diagnosis last june. it's still hard and sometimes i'd wish it'd all go away. and i'm thankful for it. i'm thankful for the way it's shifting my heart towards compassion and grace. i'm thankful for the way it's allowing adam and i to experience a deeper intimacy early on in our marriage. i'm thankful for the way it forces me to have more meaningful conversations and thus more meaningful friendships. i'm thankful for the way it has stripped me of my pride (in some areas) and made me more okay with asking for help. i'm thankful for the many ways it's allowing others to enter into this with us. that comes in many different forms and i am grateful for each one. it's forced me to think about what kind of friend i am and want to be. some people know what to say and are able to boldly love me with their words. others have been given the resources to step in and provide actual services and gifts. i have been blown away lately by all the ways we are being loved. it's exactly what God desires for us, i'm sure. in all these ways i get a better idea of just how loved we are by God. and i just have to share it

- this past weekend some guys from our church came over to help adam revamp our yard. i've been wanting to get a sort of "fresh start" b/c our yard had turned into a jungle. no lie. we have a great yard but we are barely invested in it. so when it got out of control at the same time as our life we clearly needed friends to step in. and did they!! they gave up a saturday morning with with families to work in the steam of the day and did an amazing job. i wish i took before pictures. here are a few after.

- last week i got a call from the director at Central (where charis went to preschool last year while i worked) letting me know some folks wanted to sponsor charis for the year and her tuition was paid for. i would stop here to give you all a few minutes to pick up your jaws and wipe your tears. that's what i had to do. seriously?! yes, apparently. i have no idea who these folks are and i hope they know how freaking grateful i am for this incredible gift. since i'm not working this feels like such a luxury. and i know that in the midst of treatment i will be in need of a few hours to rest or clean or whatever. this is HUGE. i know charis will love it too. i think she'll get to be in the same class with the kids she started with, which is fun. but one girl in particular is her little buddy, so that's fun.

- this past weekend we got to get away to Asheville for our friends' wedding. i was so looking forward to this b/c a) we got a night away, b) there were going to be a bunch of friends there, c) we needed something celebratory and d) who doesn't love a wedding?! my friend and old YL leader emailed me earlier this summer telling me that adam and i were living out our own wedding vows..."in sickness & health, for richer & poorer." and this has stuck with me, so hearing the wedding vows and our pastor's homily was sweet for me. our friends got us a room...THANK YOU. and we just got to celebrate Reba & Allan at a beautiful sunset wedding in the mountains with a bunch of fun friends. it was so great.

- i miss YL staff a bunch. last week 3 of the staff girls took me to lunch and got me a Trader Joe's gift card. it was so sweet to catch up with them and to be loved by them. i think once fall hits i'll really feel the absence of being on staff. that makes me a little sad. but i'm thankful for the friendships i have with these girls and others.

- last year i started getting these handwritten cards from a "Barnabas Writing Center" and a sunday school class in Louisiana. the writing center is a ministry that prays for and writes to people going through tough times. they diligently write to us to tell us they are specifically praying for my healing and our family. the cards from the sunday school class are filled with encouraging words and names of folks we don't know, but who are praying for us. i also have gotten about 20-30 cards from my dad's cousin, Sylvia, throughout the past year reminding me that she is praying for us constantly. this is ridiculously amazing...to think of all the people i know and don't know thinking about and praying for us. and how sweet that they send cards reminding us of this fact.

these are just a few things out of many. God is providing the funds to help us pay for my COBRA. adam is meeting with a variety of people as he "networks" and searches for a job. I know the right job will come for him. people are keeping Charis for us so we can go to appointments, dates, and consignment sales. people all over the place are praying for us. i think i'm thankful for where God has us. i know that's weird to say. but i'm afraid i'd miss some of the things i'm learning if it wasn't for what we are walking through right now. i feel His mighty hand holding us tightly and gently molding my heart into what He desires. with the intense pain we get to simultaneously experience intense joy. i can't make that happen on my own. i can only allow myself to be bathed in the love of Jesus through others; both strangers and friends.

**blogger is having issues uploading pics so i will post pics later of our awesome yard of the month and fun wedding.

Twenty-One

2011-08-06T12:40:00.001-04:00

21 months is how old my sister was when i was born. i can't really imagine having a new born right now. maybe i could if all this other "stuff" wasn't going on. this little lady is keeping me on my toes. she is a buh-last! i wish i could record her but the moment we grab a camera she stops what she's doing and gets all in the camera. and she's hard to trick. that's cause she is smart. i am so incredibly thankful for her. after my doctor's appointment yesterday i was thinking about how this recurrence may forever change our lives. i may not be able to have more children. which got me thinking about this little one of ours. she is truly a gift. she came as a complete surprise and we had no idea what life would look like after her arrival. at some point we figured we'd actually have to talk about "family planning." that's out the window now. yesterday as i drove home from my appointment thinking about the past 2 1/2 years i realized God's hand in all of it. i am beyond thankful for this little life He's entrusted us with. He has created our sweet Charis ON purpose and FOR a purpose. and part of that has been to shed lots of joy in the midst of some real sorrow. she's just getting to the age where she notices things. after i had my port put in there was a dressing. i told her it was my "boo boo" and now she wants to see my "boo boo" all the time. the dressing is off but now there is a scar. i think when i lose my hair she'll be more aware of it, but thankfully still won't get the gravity of it all.

- she is a talking machine. my favorite is when she is on a toy phone just jabbering away. i think she gets this from her daddy b/c he's pretty good at it too. she tries out new words a lot and is beginning to put words together. "down mommy" as she pats the couch next to her. "water please" or "i want water" when she wants water. "rain outside" when she hears thunder or the obvious, rain. other words she's saying: "help", "pizza", "up", "down", "baby", "buckle", "night night", "flower", "door", "airplane", "spoon", "bug" (which sounds like bugga), recently she said "i got it."

- nonni came and stayed with charis for a long weekend so we could get away. she got to visit her cousins in columbia, sc too. she was perfect for her nonni. (of course)

nonnie, charis and me

- we took our first trip to Monkey Joes with my sweet friend, Mary Katherine and her kiddos. they had a couple little kid jumpyards. she took some time getting used to everything. the place was crazy b/c everyone was trying to escape the heat. she eventually tried out one of the slides and figured out how to climb up herself. it was torture pulling her away when it was time to go. for $3.99 we'll be back monkey joe!

getting ready to slide w/ eliza grace!

- she helped us celebrate our 5 year anniversary. we went to the park we got married at and took family pictures with our wedding photographer who drove into town just to take our pictures. what a sweet man. i can't wait to get our pictures in a few weeks and share them with you all.

- we visited the 24 hours of booty!! charis loves bikes and she got to see her share of them during this bike "race."

hanging out at the coffee shop

- after taking only a 45 minute nap the other day i had to figure out something to do. my friend, courtney, is always doing fun things with her 3 kids, so inspired by her i took charis to the Nature Museum. and it was so fun. charis loved the baby chicks, butterflies, birds, furry animals and the fun "playroom" they had.

eating tomato w/ basil pesto..YUM

- she is still a great eater. i think her favorite food right now is pizza. no lie, but the other day when she was waking up i heard her saying, "pizza" from her crib. a girl after my own heart...waking up with food on her mind. she also likes tomatoes with basil pesto, hummus wraps, yogurt, waffles, and cereal (which she calls crackers). she's also getting good at using utensils too. she likes to do it all by herself.

- we've got a hitter. she hits when she is playful and frustrated. it's so hard. do we do the whole hit her hand and tell her not to hit? what can she understand at this point? oh, discipline is so hard for both of us. mostly cause she is so stinking cute. but i know looks can only take you so far, so i'm trying not to let her get away with hitting. i know she is able to obey and follow directions because she does at times. but there is clearly a defiant part of her too. really, all of us.

- she loves playing in the mirror. she will squat down then jump up and say "hi-ya!" it's so cute.

we were just talking about how crazy life is and what a gift Charis is to both of us. she's the gift we didn't realize we wanted or needed. but God knew. He will get us through the big and little stuff...the disciplining and correcting, the job stuff, the cancer. He is in all of it. and i'm just so thankful for this little family that i get to be a part of.

job hunting soapbox

2011-08-04T20:05:00.001-04:00

let's admit, job hunting is no fun. when i got the news that i was being laid off back at the end of march, people immediately asked me if i was going to find another job. of course. if you want to count babysitting, i've worked since i was 11 or 12 and sometimes 2-3 jobs at a time. to say i love to work is an understatement. anyway, at the time there was the question of what. duh. and childcare. and surgery recovering. miraculously there were a few jobs early on that i applied for. by the time i finished work and went to camp in June things were lining up to be pretty different for me.

i didn't get any of the jobs i applied for, which was a bummer. i also realized that i hadn't had an interview in so long. i'm sure that wasn't the kicker. just better candidates believe it or not. and now of course my cancer is back. here is my soapbox. get ready.

there are 2 things that make looking for a job hard. one is just mine and one affects lots of women (and maybe men) out there.
1: cancer. it seems tricky to not bring it up in an interview but then upon hiring say, oh by the way i need off every 3rd wednesday for chemo and probably a day in between for bloodwork. and there may be other times i'll need off b/c of doctor's appointments or fatigue or something else cancer related that i didn't bother telling you about in the interview. oh and i'll be bald in a few weeks. no biggie. and even though there are laws forbidding companies to not hire you for such reasons. come on. are you going to hire a cancer patient? probably not. the great thing about having a job already is they typically work with you as you deal with all the appointments and ups & downs of having cancer. it seemed to work well last year. at least from my point of view it did. but clearly not, huh.

2: childcare: here are your options for childcare: 1) full-time that costs a buttload here in charlotte, 2) mother's morning out type stuff 2 or 3 days a week from 9a-1p and 3) sitters that now cost more than probably both 1 and 2. if i could find a full-time job the question would be "do i make enough to allow/justify full-time childcare?" if i got a part time job (25-35 hours) there isn't really childcare that fits that. option 1, but then you back to that same question. the ideal would be to get super part time job that would allow me to work just within the 9a-1p window. or be able to work from home part time too. but those are scarce, even if they do exist.

so those are my 2 major dilemmas with finding a job. i think at this point i know what my gifts are and can seek out those types of jobs. but even still there is a lot i still don't know b/c my training has been different. just need to find something that fits. i'll be honest. i am going to diligently put forth an effort in the next few months. but i'm feeling like God has opened this time off door on purpose. i mean, i do have a lot going on and adding a new job may not be the best thing to do. but still i love to work. and i'm not saying being home with a 21 month old is not work. it is. it is more than any type of work i've done. am i cut out for it? if i don't think so, i think God is filling in those gaps. and honestly nothing brings me more joy in the midst of my sorrows right now than this sweet & sassy little lady. and adam is in full force job hunting...we don't need 2 of us out there.

i totally understand that there are people out there that have been out of work longer and job hunting longer than me. i can't imagine the perseverance they have.

because every post needs a little bit of this

Five Years!

2011-07-30T23:00:00.002-04:00

on our hike on the blue ridge

i've been thinking a lot about writing something to commemorate our 5 years of marriage. but haven't really come up with anything. it seems like such a milestone. i mean, we really are no longer newlyweds and probably haven't been for about 4 years. i'm not sure i had any expectations of where i thought we'd be at 5 years but i'm sure it looked different than it actually does. and i wouldn't trade it.

bright & beautiful local fresh flowers
this weekend has become so significant for reasons other than our wedding falling on it. 5 years ago we got married at a local park and then had our reception at Queens. it happened to fall on the same weekend as the 24 hours of booty. we left our reception on a rickshaw and took part of the booty loop. i had no idea that we'd be back at the booty loop but this time first as friends of a survivor and then as a survivor myself. we've had a "hope for sydney" team ride for the past 3 years (including this weekend). and last year a few riders were sporting "hope for amy patwa" jerseys. so, it feels strange and sweet to have our 5 year anniversary fall on the same weekend as the 24 hours of booty.

the Hope for Sydney team 2011
another cool thing that happened was that our wedding photographer sent me a FB message a week or so ago asking if he could take pictures of us at the same park we got married. it was just something he wanted to do. so, he drove down from raleigh and we met him at the park this morning. of course we've added one to the mix. i know that we will cherish having these pictures taken. i want to freeze as much time with adam and charis as i can.

my little diva
i think God has chosen adam and i uniquely to live life together. he challenges me and so many ways as i'm sure i do him as well. we have so much fun together. i am safest when i am with adam. and that feels really good. as we begin this next year of marriage faced with a cancer relapse there is definitely some uncertainties. i am so thankful God chose adam to be the one to love me and care for me during this battle/journey/experience (whatever you want to call it).

enjoying a pedi!
we've had fun celebrating this year...dinner at del frisco's, a weekend away in blowing rock, breakfast, fresh flowers, an anniversary photo shoot, and a couples pedi. i can't wait to share the pictures with you. and i'm going to leave you with a link to a blog post adam wrote in 2008 because i love the way he expresses himself.

kisses from his favorite little carebear

Seriously?! really?!

2011-07-23T07:26:00.003-04:00

there are lots of ways we feel loved...especially during this difficult time. surprises, friends just coming to hang out, messages & emails, gift cards, hand written cards, meals, babysitting, prayers, a house to stay in Blowing Rock and our friends just being honest about not knowing what to say or do and still risking to be with us in this. some things are really worthy of a blog post. partly b/c i want others to know that these gifts are such a blessing to us and maybe making it public is a good way to share our thankfulness. and writing about it helps me process the heart beyond the gift. like when a group of high school kids got together to pray for me and make hand made cards. seriously?!

this past week has been Charlotte's Restaurant Week. adam and i love restaurant week. wait, let me back up. we love restaurants. we love to eat. i think working in the industry has sometimes made us snobs and other times made us realize a taco truck can make better tacos than a restaurant. we love food. in fact, we like to think we are foodies. so, when this week rolls around twice a year we take advantage of the opportunity to eat at a place we'd never be able to go otherwise. we've discovered some great places and yummy dishes. this year we chose Del Frisco's Double Eagle Steakhouse (adam still wants to know what the double eagle means). we got ready for our 5 o'clock reservation. yes, 5:00.

now, a family that qualifies for food & nutrition benefits (i.e. food stamps) probably shouldn't be indulging in something like this. but we are able to compartmentalize such things and have specific funds for the occasion. and really, there is that small part of me that says "we deserve this" right now. (that can be a slippery slope so we have to be careful). any way we were greeted by our server in his tux vest, bow tie and monogrammed cuff links. he seemed pretty normal and nice. (sometimes places like this can have such snooty servers). after taking our water order he came back to our table and began with something like this, "you all must be very special...." to say i knew where he was going might sound strange, but i had an idea. he proceeded to tell us that our meal had been taken care of and "to order whatever you like." i began crying right away. it was almost too much for my little heart to contain. he left us alone to soak this in.

it took us a good 15 or so minutes to receive this gift. adam longer than me. there is a temptation to feel guilty. but if i've learned anything about asking for help and receiving gifts it's that the people who love us don't want us to feel guilty. i'm thinking they want to bless us and relieve some stress and help us out and love us in whatever ways they know how. i was pretty convincing. and completely blown away.

we were "peer pressured" by our server to "order whatever you'd like" and "they insisted on a bottle of wine too." have you seen this place's wine list? i really have no idea how much the wine (or dinner for that matter) cost, but we told the wine guy (yes, a specific guy comes to your table to give you tastings and talk wine...he was super nice too) we wanted to stay cheap. yeah, we said cheap in Del Frisco's. i'm not scared!

we really enjoyed our long dinner as we talked about a variety of things that are weighing heavy on our hearts. this was such a gift to us. so, thank you...i mean, THANK YOU so so so so MUCH to you who did this. and to all of you who do little & big things to love us. we totally understand that it can be hard to "enter into" this with us and love us. none of us has a manual for it. we appreciate the risks our friends and community take as they reach out to us. thank you.

we ended the date at the Evening Muse for a very cool live show of some local music. it was so fun. the other thought i kept having all night was wondering what our server thought. i mean, surely he was impacted by this gift as well. that's the thing...it's reaching beyond us. and that is amazing!

it's back...

2011-07-18T19:43:00.004-04:00

b/c every post needs some goodness

this post should be about how i'm adjusting to my new boobs. but, you see, that never happened. what happened was a pain in my chest (and an eventual figurative pain in my ass as well) led to a chest CT which led to a PET scan which led to a biopsy which led to a diagnosis of cancer. again. there was no talk of stage or size or much else. but the word metastases came up. within 5 months of finishing treatment and just past a month after celebrating my cancerversary i'm back at square one. this time without breasts.

i will probably start chemo in the next couple weeks and say good-bye to my jheri curl. i will finish 2011 and possibly ring in 2012 while on chemo. surgery is not an option. there is nothing really to take or remove. radiation may or may not be an option. right now it's just chemo. the hope is to manage it, not cure it. my doctor was clear on that.

i've been expecting this news. it's been a month in the making. meaning, it was just about a month ago that i reported the pain to my doctor. there has been a lot of waiting. we were told early on that it was probably cancer but we needed real data to confirm that. and although i was expecting it, it is still so surreal. i'm feeling a little all over the place as i "process" this or allow it to sink in. i surprisingly feel okay and confident that the Lord has his mighty & gentle hand in this and He is with us. i'm hopeful for a lot of things. and i'm scared about a lot of things.

as i sit in the doctor's office surrounded by much older people i feel a weird tinge of pride to be among this group. and incredibly sad. as i email or text friends to tell them the news i have a sort of out of body experience. like, "is this really happening...again?" as i read other blogs i am brought to tears because i want to live long enough to take my little girl to disney world or i want to be able to have more kids or i want to go on a fun trip with my husband or i want...you get the idea. i had to stop the blog-reading after that. yet that is my reality. i've been talking about going on a tropical vacation after the cancer thing is over (cause it's just a phase, right?) and i get my new boobs and we can get away. well, i'm tempted to make that trip happen sooner than later because i'm not guaranteed that day will come.

i don't mean to sound depressing. i'm honestly not depressed. my reality is just completely different right now. i was supposed to be recovering from my reconstructive surgery and then in the spring we were going to take that trip i was talking about. so i'm grieving the loss of my breasts again. i have to lean hard into Jesus right now because i'm tempted to become bitter. and i'd rather not. what i am thankful for is that God has chosen adam and i for this. i'm also thankful for this sweet & sassy little lady name charis root. oh my goodness is she a blast right now! i'm soaking her up. we believe that this is our story and my hope is that we honor it as we live it out. we also believe that God is good and we are fiercely trusting him each day.

if you didn't get a chance to see it, i was on the news the other day. i was honored to be asked to share my story. (i don't know how to upload the video so you can click on the link)
http://www.foxcharlotte.com/rising/rising-features/Carowinds-For-The-Cure-Survivors-Story-125554683.html

what is she? twenty months!?

2011-07-09T03:06:00.001-04:00

20 months, just over a year and a half. how do i answer the "how old is she" question? who really cares! she is a freaking blast! so incredibly feisty. and by feisty i mean lots of good-i'm-strong-willed type of behaviors. she brings me such joy that at times i could burst. has that ever really happened to someone? and sometimes it's super challenging...am i screwing her up for the rest of her life? maybe. is there redemption in my parenting? yes. i just know that God has gifted us to be her parents and i'm so thankful. and i hope there are places like the Barnabas Center when she needs them.

- she has learned the skill of tantrum throwing. apparently this is an innate skill because i don't remember teaching it to her in between animal sounds. there must be something that tells them, "throw yourself on the ground and scream/cry." seriously?! they don't last long all the time, but can either be hilarious or completely frustrating.

- she is hell bent on feeding herself everything. she'll rarely ask for help. the other day she was finger painting with apple sauce. i'm realizing that it's is more about me b/c it'd be way more convenient if she let me help her. sometimes meal time just takes longer. and i think that's okay. maybe one day i'll wish for this time...slow family dinners.

- okay so i think she's pretty freaking smart. (duh, every parent thinks their kid is) i guess i'm just so amazed at the new connections she is making. for instance, we heard thunder today and then she said "rain." i guess i thought i'd "teach" her things like this, but she gets them on her own. she's talking a lot. no word count but saying lots of words on her own and repeating a ton. and she still speaks in some crazy kid gibberish language that i love to hear.

- she enjoys some green smoothies with me. i recently got a killer blender (thanks for lots of friends) and i make lots of smoothies with green stuff like kale. she calls it "juice" and loves them. she still eats like a champ. her new thing is hummus wraps with tomato.

so excited

saying "juice"

drink up!

- she has also learned how to give real hugs and the best is when she wraps her arms so tightly around our necks. even at 2 in the morning

- our friends the doctors bergeron and their little girl lilly came for a quick visit this month. jaclyn and blake are super refreshing for us. lilly is about 8 months older than charis and it was fun to watch them check each other out and play together. we're hoping to make a trip to memphis in the fall to be with them again.

charis & lilly

nothing but love choke hold

- we've had a crazy month so i've totally slacked on taking "charis notes" and even pictures. this in no way reflects her busy-ness. she is bubbling with personality.

- she loves swimming. when we go to my dad's pool she gets all brave and tries to walk straight in off the edge. she loves being in the water and is getting more and more comfortable.

swimming with isaiah

- she got to spend a week with her paw paw, maw maw and aunt sara. and she loved it. her wardrobe and shoe collection also expanded. she warmed up to them so quickly that adam and i left them with her while we stayed at my dad's for a few nights. it's always fun to watch the grandparents enjoy her.

- she still loves being outside even though it's a bagillion degrees out. we honestly aren't out there as much except to go on bike rides. i'm ready for a break in this heat so we can be outside more.

playing in the water

i feel like there are things i'm missing this month. partly because i didn't do a good job of recording what she's been up to and because she is up to so much and doing so many different things that i'm not keeping up. she is so fun and can be hard at times. but i also realize those hard times are so small in the scheme of things...they are just a blip. i usually don't realize this until after they are over b/c during i'm afraid i won't make it. while i was a camp i was talking with some of the girls about having a girl and what i wanted. you remember that age where you think you can dictate your future..."i will get marred at this age and have this many kids and i think i want 2 girls and a boy." well, i did always think i'd be a boy mom...but i was telling the girls that i'm so thankful for having a girl because we get to tell her whose she is and that she is beautiful no matter what the world tells her. i think it's such a privilege to be a parent in general and that we get to teach our daughters and sons pretty valuable stuff. i'm so incredibly thankful for this time with charis.

WTF

2011-07-06T18:31:00.004-04:00

if you are a phil dunphy fan you may think this means "why the face." well, to the rest of us it means "what the fuck!" at frontier last week one of the guys said that the Psalms were like David asking/saying "what the fuck!?" to God. i thought that was an interesting take. and honestly can see that in a lot of his cries out to God.

2 weeks ago when i was told that "something significant" had shown up on a scan i was feeling a little like this WTF and another one i learned from facebook, FML (fuck my life). and let me just say i've never said the f-word this much in print or speech. anyway...after the year we've had and the job layoff we are tired. plus we were totally gearing up for my surgery. reconstruction. the end of this "journey" in a way. and literally days before i'm supposed to head into this major surgery we have to cancel it because the cancer is back.

WTF. in the past 2 weeks i've experienced a range of feelings and emotions. at my core i trust God fiercely. i've prayed for peace and comfort, and it's come my way. i don't always know or agree with what God is allowing and i know it's not new to him. he knows suffering. and now so do we.

i'm a little all over the place. we are still waiting..on a biopsy and then the plan from there. i'm not sure i've gotten good at waiting, but i'm sure doing it a lot.

for as hard as this is on us i'm getting to experience lots of goodness and joy. for one, we are weeks away from celebrating 5 years of marriage. another is our sweet & fiesty little lady; she's a perfect picture of God's "perfect and pleasing will." another was my trip to Frontier and the hanging out i'm getting to do this week with my friends from the trip...we are meeting every morning to eat breakfast together and jump in the Bible some. another is all the amazing ways friends are loving and praying for me and that they are sharing the images, scriptures, thoughts, etc that God is revealing to them as they pray for me. that is super cool. and mostly His presence. of course i want healing and for this trial to be over but my prayer continues to be for me to know Him more intimately and to know His love that is deep and high and long and wide.

i get scared sometimes to have such a vicious cancer that comes back just 5 months after finishing treatment. i get mad that these things keep happening to us. i get sad that i have to continuing living in this broken body.

and i am thankful and hopeful.

frontier or bust

2011-07-04T15:00:00.001-04:00

i remember the first time i went to Frontier Ranch with some of my still close friends. i can't believe i got to go back 16 years later. it really is one of my favorite places. and doing young life is one of my favorite things.

i missed half the week of camp, but being out there for the 3 days i got to be there was TOTALLY worth it. it actually felt longer. as many of you know i begged my 2 senior friends to go, so i knew i had to be there for part of the time. plus there were 7 other girls and a bunch of guys i was excited to get to know. i had such a blast with all these kids. they were just so easy to be around and willing to have some real conversations. i wish i could tell you all about camp...about the ridiculous things we do and the message that kids get to hear about how God is patiently pursuing them daily and loves them just as they are and about the silly things that allow them to actually be kids and the stories we got to hear and about the people they get to meet and all the other amazing things that make Young Life camp life changing. we took 27 kids from Country Day and i know each one of them had a blast.

nicole, me and elizabeth before ridgerunners
i got to be in a cabin with 9 girls. let me first say that high school girls today are way cuter than we were (sorry friends). and i think i'm thankful for the weird fashions of the 90's because i just wouldn't survive today. :) these girls were so fun to be with and really willing to be real. i think we all are looking for authentic relationships and in high school those are hard to come by. the other leaders and i want more than anything for these girls to know how much they are loved. sometimes that's hard for us to believe. but i think that this week they got to experience some of that, and that makes me excited.

the girls before horses...erin, lisa, carley, grayson
elizabeth, me, nicole, melissa, lizzie, megan & ally

one thing being at Frontier also did for me was make me sad that i'm not working for YL anymore. i'm thankful that i can still be a part of YL as a leader. there are just other opportunities that come with staff that i will miss. oh well. for now i get to hang out with high school kids and tell them about Jesus and the hope i have in Him, even in the midst of what's going on in my life. this is better than anything else. i'm excited to know these girls, not just these 4 years of high school, but for many years to come just like me and my own YL leader.

the whole CCDS gang!!!

colorado bound

2011-06-28T08:38:00.003-04:00

there has been a lot going on...

i'm excited to "report" that i am heading to Colorado to join my friends at Frontier late wednesday night. i couldn't get an earlier flight, so i'll be pulling into camp pretty late. but i'll get 3 full days of camp and some great time with my girls. i'm super excited.

i was able to get my PET and CT scans scheduled for early wednesday morning. it'll feel good to get these out of the way. i've never had a PET scan before and they always feel really serious. i'm glad i'll have them done early b/c you can't eat. such torture. my follow up with my oncologist isn't until next wednesday, so there is more waiting involved. but with the holiday weekend there really isn't much to do and that frees me up to get away. my reconstruction is still scheduled for july 8th, but is clearly "up in the air" based on the results of the scans.

being at camp and in colorado will be good for my soul. not only being in one of the most beautiful places on earth, but getting to be with my high school friends. it is so life-giving. and in light of what is going on, i'm looking forward to it.

Waiting

2011-06-25T04:26:00.002-04:00

I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
² He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
³ He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.

i remember singing this song (40 by U2) in youth group. and as i sat down it came to my mind. i'm not a naturally patient person and I don't typically like to wait. that's why i don't go through drive thrus, i hate waiting. but in the past year i've learned to wait a lot and i attribute that mostly to doctors' offices. even at the pediatrician i could wait 45 minutes with a toddler in the room. i'm not sure anyone is thinking through that. anyway. i remember last summer getting my initial breast ultrasound and having to wait a whole weekend and a couple days before the biopsy then having to wait 2 more days for the results. some things are quicker b/c of technology. i can have a scan that can be read immediately. but other things you have to wait for. whether it's a phone call from the doctor, a test result, an appointment, an answer. you get the idea. i'm waiting.

i woke up to the cries of my sweet little lady around 3:30a. although i didn't want to get up the feeling of her head in the crook of my neck and her arm wrapped around me made it all worth it. even if i couldn't go back to sleep. i am more distracted about our camp trip to Frontier. there is so much (and i mean so much) paperwork required, mostly b/c of some crazy Colorado state laws. so i'm making sure we have everything we need for the 27 kids and 3 leaders. it's what i love...forms, check lists, organization. i have been looking through all of this for weeks and today we leave. well, they leave. i am sad to say that i won't be leaving with them today. i'm waiting.

after telling my oncologist on monday about some chest/shoulder pains i've been having for the past 5-6 weeks (off and on) he decided to do a scan. that was wednesday evening. the call came thursday as i walked in to pick up charis...there were some "significant changes" on my scan that the doctor wanted to talk to me about. could i come in friday morning? yes! waiting. clearly, the dr doesn't call you in for nothing. we arrived at the doctor and i was crazy nervous. he told us about what the scan showed and that he needed to run more tests/scans to see what it could be and what he can biopsy. he is "very concerned." we talked about how i'm supposed to leave for camp and he advised me to get the scans done as soon as possible. he also thought that being at camp with this "hanging over my head" would be too much, but i may be able to do it. i think i could, but i decided it was best for me to stay home and get the scans done, then hopefully join the group at Frontier later in the week. i waited all day yesterday for a phone call to schedule my scans. it never came. i'm waiting.

hopefully they will call monday and i can get them done monday or tuesday, then see my doctor and depending on the news, head out to frontier wednesday or thursday. i want to be there because, well let's be honest, it's an incredible place. but mostly because i begged these 2 senior girls to go who i love and want to spend the week with. i know God can work without me, it's not that i think i need to be there, i want to be there. so, it's all a little up in the air. and in many ways life feels like this right now. i may or may not get my reconstruction surgery scheduled for july 8th. i may or may not get to go to camp. i may or may not have a recurrence. lots of uncertainties. yet in the midst of these uncertainties i know what is certain and stable when i or my life is not...God. so i wait patiently for him...he hears my cry, my plea...he will give me a firm place to stand.

for the cure

2011-06-22T12:56:00.004-04:00

there are lots of things out there "for the cure" and i'm honestly not always sure what that means. i was asked by Komen Charlotte if they could tell my survivor story. i was thrilled b/c i'm all about sharing my story. as a young woman (and mom) with cancer it can feel completely isolating. things are happening to my body that shouldn't for 40 more years or even ever. but they are. adam and i are constantly saying, "this is just part of our story." we are continuing to figure out how God wants us to live this story out and share it with others. i'm thinking a book and maybe even get on the Ellen show. :) i will take any and every opportunity to share my story to help other young women either prevent this from happening to them or to help them navigate through this tough tough journey. i've already gotten to meet 3 other women my age and in similar stages of life going through this. it's been good for all of us. anyway, one thing Komen Charlotte is doing is joining with Carowinds for an awareness/fundraiser event for BC. you can adopt a (pink) duck, get special priced tickets for certain days and other stuff "for the cure." but my story, along with other local women, is posted on the carowinds site. that's kind of exciting for me. check it out here. and come out to the park. i think i'll also be on some Race stuff as we get closer to october..save the date for October 1st and join Team Patwa again this year.

anyway, just wanted to share. i mean, between the fox news piece and this i'm becoming pretty famous. :)

and just because she's so stinking cute....

19 months

2011-06-09T21:18:00.008-04:00

charis is 19 months and officially a toddler. this past month has been a blast and i feel like she has just "blossomed." we are enjoying her a ton. i mean, it'd probably be weird to say we weren't enjoying her, right? she's talking a bunch. she's becoming super social. she is apparently getting taller because she can reach things now. it's a good thing i'm on a decluttering spree. she has a bit of an independent spirit for sure. she wants to do a lot on her own but isn't afraid to ask for help. but sometimes she doesn't want any help. and then there is a meltdown. after a few minutes she regroups and it's back to doing it on her own. we are staying busy and enjoying life. she continues to be a delight...

- earlier in may we went to the beach with some YL staff women. although it rained a lot we got a little beach time. charis loved the water and taking fistfuls of sand to dump on herself. i hope we'll get another family beach trip in...maybe the fall.

- we got her a new bike seat that is awesome. it goes on the front of our bike between the rider and the handlebars. and she absolutely loves it. every time she sees a bike she says "bike, bike." it's fun that she's in the front too b/c she can see stuff, so she'll point or talk about things she sees. oh, and thanks to a friend we go the $100 seat for only $40 at kid to kid. yay!

- she likes to make a fish face, which is so cute. and now she gives hugs and kisses. oh i love to cuddle with her, whether it's reading books at night or in the morning or just because she wants to cuddle. i remember a friend saying that they start hugging around this time, and it's true!

- as i said with her independent spirit she likes to feed herself. i typically don't mind if it's in bite-size pieces, but yogurt and applesauce? she's still figuring out the spoon but it doesn't seem to be efficient enough for her. and she gets pissed if we try to help her. so for the most part meals can be pretty messy or interesting. she's still eating great. she loves tomatoes. she is also back on bananas which has been her favorite for a while. she's recently tried cabbage too. and i made some yummy cuban black beans that she gobbles up.

- she finished up her first year of preschool/daycare. i'm not sure what it's technically called, but she went 3 days a week while i worked this past year and she loved it. her teachers were great too. she's signed up for a month this summer and maybe in the fall.

charis and her cute school friend, desiree
- she's talking a ton. my favorite is "water" and she says it all the time...when it rains, when we drive by a fountain, when she wants a drink. it's pretty cute. she's also repeating a ton. i'm amazed at how much and how appropriately she says "no."

i just love this picture
- over memorial day weekend we took a family trip to the mountains, which was great. the weather was wonderful. we took a couple "hikes" and charis was awesome. one went around a lake so she was saying "water" a ton. after our hike adam took her in the water and she was so cute in her diaper and keens. oh and she loved it.

- she's been having some potty issues and one night we experienced a "rectal prolapse" which was kind of traumatizing. we put her in the bath and things went back to normal after a few minutes. after seeing the doctor they decided not to do anything and hopefully it will fix itself. but she's definitely going poo a ton. i've also decided to put off the potty training...her doctor said to wait til after my surgery b/c she might be traumatized with me being in the hospital and not being able to hold her. that was enough for me...i mean she'll pee in a potty when she's ready

- her bed recently broke so we have a bed rail in place of the crib rail. i think it was an adjustment for her at first and now she tries to climb over it, but thankfully she hasn't fallen out.

she has become a real legit person. everything about her is really fun. disciplining is a whole other issue. i have no idea what we are doing and sometimes she's just so stinking cute. i'm realizing already that i need to be consistent and i'm finding that can be a challenge. i'm thankful that she is really good for others like at the Y and when friends come to watch her. she is funny too. we are enjoying watching her personality and become this feisty, sweet and fun little lady. i'm so so thankful for her...i recently found my journal from when we found out i was pregnant and during pregnancy...it was fun to read about my anticipation for her and now she's here and it's way better and more amazing than i could have dreamed.

thriller

2011-06-06T13:45:00.005-04:00

okay so as the hair gets longer it remains OUT.OF.CONTROL. seriously. i think i was digging the bald head over this but it's also nice to have hair. crazy post chemo dilemmas. anyway, it's moved from the cory from boy meets world to more like michael jackson's thriller days. or even soul glow from coming to america. you get what i'm saying...i'm rocking the 80's jheri (jerry) curl. see for yourself.

michael

me

i have to admit that it's nice to only wash my hair about twice a week. yes, that is correct. otherwise it's a poof. i realized early on that i will get to go through every awkward stage with my hair as it grows back. even though i don't love it, it's kinda fun to see what crazy turn it's going to take.

bookends

2011-06-04T12:44:00.004-04:00

(it's a long one)
today i celebrate one year as a cancer survivor. something called a cancerversary. it's not as if i'm celebrating the fact that i got cancer, but rather that i've lived a year since getting diagnosed. and what a year it has been. i'd like to do a sort of "year end review" starting with my diagnosis. technically it probably started in the weeks before when i went to the doctor. but it was on a friday afternoon last june that nurse ruth called to tell my my biopsy had come back and it was indeed cancer. this rocked my world at the age of 31 and with a 4 month old. and as i sat down to reflect (which i do a ton) on this past year it is full of big and little things, hard things, joy, hope, suffering, pain, fear, and so much more. the beginning is marked by my diagnosis and here is what happened in between...
...tests and scans...charis was baptized at our church and we celebrated with friends and family...we went to NOLA for laura's wedding....i had to stop nursing...charis began crawling...we went on an awesome pre-chemo date that was all paid for (and we still don't know who)...i started chemo...i had a head shaving party...we went on a family beach trip...all my hair finally came out and i was officially bald...i had my last period...the hot flashes began...we took a grueling hike at crowder's :)...charis started daycare/preschool...adam continued working on his thesis...i continued working...i had my last chemo...charis turned 1 and we had an awesome party thanks for my sweet friend, jen...i turned 32...i had a double mastectomy with lymph node removal...got to celebrate thanksgiving with all my siblings...we had to spend the weekend in the hospital b/c of an infection...ugh...monday morning bible study with 10th grade girls...we had a quick family overnight in blowing rock which was amazing...i started radiation every day...we took a trip to windy gap with YL staff...we celebrated christmas...i bought a prosthetic bra and forms for swimsuit...worst purchase ever...it snowed...went to myrtle beach for YL...started going back to campaigners more regularly...charis took her first steps...i finished radiation...my dad was diagnosed with bone cancer (metastasized prostate cancer)...adam turned 30 and we had a party at sir ed's...adam keeps plowing through his thesis and has a date for his defense...we get the news that i'm being laid off from YL...i go to the beach with YL staff women...i start my period...adam defends his thesis and passes...woo hoo!!...we take a family trip to the mountains...i help train my replacement at work and have my last day in the office.

the other bookend is my last day at work. when i think about starting the year with cancer and ending it with losing my job that seems completely horrible. but i have to say that it has not been horrible. with each of these "events" comes its own story and there is so much in between. i wouldn't trade this year. by the grace of God we made it through this year. we have survived. in fact, i think we've done more than just survive. i am a different person because of this year...a different wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend. i have become more dependent on God and others. i am more compassionate. i trust God more. i can remember those early days...they felt weird and scary yet i always had peace. and i still do.

we have no idea what the year ahead will look like. there are things we do know...i'll go to frontier with some girls...i'll have my reconstructive surgery...charis will turn 2. and there is a lot we don't know...will adam get a different job using his gifts/skills...will i work or stay home...will i remain cancer free...will God continue to provide the finances we need and the benefits...will we get to go on the post cancer vacation i dream about. regardless of what changes for us, i know that God is still the same. he will continue to provide through the sacrifices of our friends, he will continue to deepen our marriage, he will continue to pursue us, he will not abandon us. i know this.

i recently came across an excerpt from Philip Yancey's book Disappointment with God. it was some random copy i found in my stuff. and it seemed so appropriate b/c it was on the section "is God unfair?" he interviewed a man who's wife battled breast cancer then he was in an accident that caused a head injury...here are a few points this man, who knew suffering so well, made:
"we tend to think, 'life should be fair because God is fair.' but God is not life."
"God's existence, even his love for me, does not depend on my good health. frankly, i've had more time and opportunity to work on my relationship with God during my impairment than before." this is true for me too
"look at the story of Jesus. was life 'fair' to him? for me, the cross demolished for all time the basic assumption that life will be fair."
i sometimes struggle with this "fairness" b/c i see in other people's lives that it is easy (or at least appears to be). or it feels like i can't take one more hard thing. there are things i've come to know/believe in this past year:
God is good and he really loves us
God is the same no matter what news i receive
God is for us
i trust God way more than i trust myself or anybody else
i believe in His "pleasing and perfect will"
i may not get or agree or even like his plan, but ultimately i know it's better than anything i could dream up
Jesus knows suffering, which makes me feel less alone

i realize this post is ridiculously long. and i could keep writing. at some point i saw this past year as a road trip of sorts with different road blocks, detours, scenic routes and such. then the other day i saw it as a book shelf filled with books each telling a story. and on either end of those books were these bookends: cancer diagnosis & last day of work. i'm thinking those bookends are stories themselves.

let me end by saying that i'm thankful for this past year. crazy, i know. i'm thankful for my marriage and a husband who has loved me and pursued me regardless of how my body looks. i'm thankful for my relationship with Jesus. i am thankful for our sweet & feisty little lady. i'm thankful for my family. i'm thankful for my amazing friends. i'm thankful for cleaning for a reason. i'm thankful for nurses and doctors. i'm extremely thankful for our church community. there is so much to be thankful for. and i have lots of hope for what lies ahead. all i know is that i don't want to waste this experience. and i don't think i am.

if you stuck with me. thanks. :) this is how we feel sometimes

last day

2011-06-03T08:18:00.003-04:00

i've had a lot of last days in my life...last day of school, last day on a trip, last day of single life, last day of not being a mom, last day with breasts, last day of chemo, last day of radiation, and yesterday was my last day of work.

i spend a lot (and i mean a lot) of time reflecting. this past year has forced me to do it a bit more. so as i've been wrapping up my job i had a tremendous peace. i was okay. and things felt weird. they were weird as i watched my replacement unpack her things into my old desk. it wasn't sad and i wasn't angry. just weird. that is the best way to explain this whole thing. from the time i was told i'd be let go i knew that it was part of God's plan. i know that can sound churchy or uber spiritual, but it's accurate. now i don't necessarily agree or understand the decision. and so it's requiring me to let go.

i'm definitely sad to not be working for young life, even though i will still get to lead at country day. i knew in the summer of 1995 at windy gap that i wanted to work for/be a part of young life. and i've gotten some great and challenging opportunities to do that in the past 11 years. which i'm so thankful for. there is just something about getting to be a part of something big and the community is amazing. so i'm sad to be done. the "exit" has been healthy and weird. and maybe that is the nature of relational ministry. i don't know. i continue to go through waves of not getting it or even being pissed off. then i realize that i have no idea what God has in store for us. He has taken care of us in every way and i don't seem him abandoning us now.

i have applied for a few jobs. and i want to work. i also have to work. but i want to too. i'm not sure i'm cut out to be a stay at home mom. but then again God is capable of anything. i won't really be able to start a new job until after my surgery and recovery which may be mid to late august. and those are details i just can't worry about. for the next few weeks i've got some goals...declutter the heck out of this *$#&hole (i.e. our house), get rid of lots of stuff, and more importantly spend lots of time with our fiesty and sweet little lady.

defend this

2011-05-25T14:35:00.005-04:00

...bitches! (i secretly love to say this word. a lot)

i'm not sure where to even begin with this post. today is a day that we have long awaited. like a birthday or wedding day or trip or first day on the job. you get what i'm saying. today is a big day.

i can remember where we were when we decided adam would go to graduate school for his master's in english. we were taking a walk down colony road near where we used to live. i remember thinking and probably saying, "we'll never have the money for grad school, so if it's something you want to do, let's do it." and he did. he applied, got in and we moved up by UNCC. things were going really well those first 2 years. he got a position as a graduate assistant and was making all A's. what he was studying blew my idea of what a degree in english was. more theory than book reports. let's put it that way.

our first "disruption" happened in the spring of 2009 when we found out we were pregnant with Charis. this was a complete surprise. (duh, of course we know how it works, we just weren't "trying") adam's course work was coming to an end and he had decided to keep teaching as an adjunct at uncc. we decided to move from uncc since he was done with classes and find a place closer to our community in charlotte (proper). we found a great house to rent in a great location. i kept working full time. adam was teaching and at some point began working on his Master's Thesis. there were so many stages...write a proposal, submit it, get feedback, make adjustments, submit again, and eventually get started on the real deal.

i think we were hoping he'd get the thesis done and graduate by the time Charis came (winter 2009). when that didn't happen we had the next spring in our sights. i learned a lot about what it takes to write a thesis. and not just any thesis, THIS thesis. lots and lots and lots of revisions. i think he turned in his first chapters up to 10 times before he could move on to his second. maddening.

our second "disruption" came in the late spring of 2010 when i was diagnosed with breast cancer. between adjusting to life with a new baby and dealing with this crazy news, the thesis was clearly not a priority. but he always was working on it. once we settled into this new phase of life and my treatment, he plowed away at this masterpiece. he was hoping he could get it done by winter 2010, but his advisor wanted him to do some more revisions. ugh. side note--at some point around june i learned a little about how adam writes. he thinks first. it's clearly very different than how i write. for me, this was a turning point in how i viewed this thesis. it wasn't just some thing he could whip out...it is smart and thorough and requires a bunch of thought and time and revisions. i think this was so good for me to learn.

the last 4-6 months have been filled with making the final touches on this paper. adam finally nailed down a date for his "Thesis Defense" with his thesis committee (3 of his former professors at uncc) and he was hard at work fine tuning. his last meeting with his advisor was encouraging. i especially love that he told adam that "this is a very smart thesis." hell yeah it is!! there were very precise requirements on how to format the document. we had to find 100% cotton paper for it to be printed on. he picked his title and probably something dapper to wear. he drove to the university earlier today. at 2pm he walked into a room to face Tony, Cy, & Ron to "defend" his Thesis. and he passed! so very exciting.

for us, today is a big day. and we will be sure to celebrate.
and now the one question NEVER to ask me again, "when is Adam done with his thesis?"
TODAY.

girl meets world

2011-05-19T20:22:00.005-04:00

at first i thought it was fred savage that i am resembling now, but it's actually his little brother, ben

the post chemo hair is thicker and curlier...a picture really can't capture the chaos that is now my new hair

F*$%head

2011-05-17T19:25:00.000-04:00

*excuse the explicit language in this post.

i was called a fuckhead on the road the other day. i was driving up to one of those intersections where there is a main road and a side road. i was on the side road wanting to turn left on the main road. the right light went straight and the left lane was a turning lane. there were 3 cars in the right as i drove to a stop at the light. i heard a honk but figured it was someone else. the light turned green and i approached the intersection. as i did a black Cadillac came up on my right (maybe the 3rd car in the right lane), slowed down, honked, yelled "fuckhead" at me, and flipped me off as he drove through the intersection. i was focusing on turning when i could while being completely dumbstruck by what just happened. my first thought was "wow, what just happened." then my next thought was, "someone had a rough day." then i briefly thought, "i hope he gets in a wreck." then i came to my senses and thought maybe i should pray for the dude. i mean, he was so mad. i feel sorry for the guy.

i never understand how someone can get so mad. did he think i made my own lane as i drove past him on the left to my position at the light? did i get to close to his black caddie? did he have a bad day at work? did his wife just leave him? was he coming from a doctor's appointment where he just heard bad news? is he just a grumpy old man? i don't know the answer to any of these questions. what i do know is that i didn't do anything to elicit the name "fuckhead." although now that i've typed it 3 times it is growing on me. i drove home stunned and feeling really sorry for the guy. i'm just thinking life is too short. and maybe he was too...life is too short for me not to yell "fuckhead" to this lady in the subaru. maybe? nah, that's a bit much.

be kind to other drivers today.

garage sale season

2011-05-15T22:35:00.006-04:00

i LOVE a bargain. i wouldn't say i'm a shopper, i mostly shop out of boredom. clearly not a wise thing. but i've been going to garage sales since i was a kid. i love waking up early and checking out other people's trash (& treasures). the jackpot is when you hit a neighborhood sale. anyway. yesterday i went out just to get out, not looking for anything in particular. i found some retro earrings for 50 cents and a lawn mower toy for 1 buck in the neighborhood sale. they had lots of good things but nothing i really needed. then on my way home i saw a sign....as a pulled up to the house, i thought, "i've hit the jackpot." upon further discovery it was a mess. one woman commented, "it looks like they cleaned out their closets and dumped everything for us to go through." it made me laugh out loud. even with the mess they had great stuff...one being this step 2 coaster that was on my garage sale list. (i know the pic is super small but that's all i could get)

and i got it for 5 bucks. yes, 5 bucks. you may be wondering what the retail price is...$109.99. i also found a pair of barely worn rainbows for 4 bucks. and a small see & say for 50 cents. i was so excited. that is what i love...when i am really looking for something and i find it, and find it cheap.

ONE and a HALF

2011-05-09T14:20:00.001-04:00

is it annoying that i start every "charis update" with I CANNOT BELIEVE....this time it's that she is ONE and a HALF or 18 months since we are still aging in months. the sass and feistiness have kicked into high gear. she is a friggin blast these days. so stinkin cute. sometimes she reminds me of a giant gummy bear and i just want to squeeze her. we are staying busy for sure and i'm trying to soak it all up and in. i have to admit that it's hard at times. i mean, taking a step back and getting perspective it's not, but in the moment it can be. plus i've just been emotional with how wacky our lives are. i am extremely thankful to have Charis in the midst of all this "long suffering" with my health, job stuff, and financial uncertainty. there has been a moment or two where i've just wanted to sit and cry. maybe i'm not cut out for this. maybe i am. i think God knew/knows what he's doing, so i'll trust him.

she loves her car...best purchase ever..thankyou consignment sale

- Charis is still a great eater and she's also at the age where she actually looks at things before she puts them in her mouth and maybe if it looks different she'll slam her mouth shut, lean back and nod her head "no." after a couple tries she'll sometimes give in and eat. or she'll eat something a few times then all of sudden is over it. she had risotto w/ spinach and asparagus recently and loved it. of course by the 2nd or 3rd time (okay, maybe i'm guilty of wearing things out) she realized she was eating something green and spit the asparagus out. ho hum. the other day's lunch was a smorgus-borg with curried chick peas, chickenless chicken nuggets, black beans and rice and a smoothie. i'm always amazed with her appetite.

enjoying the farmer's market

- She is talking a lot. recently she said butterfly but it sounds more like "fuffafy" and is so stinkin cute. i got her some new pjs with butterflies on them so she's saying it a lot. when she wakes up she almost always says, "mommy...daddy...bugilickaloogow..." it's hilarious. she is even putting words together (before you judge me as that obnoxious mom, by no means is she talking in sentences or doing anything out of the ordinary...i think i'm just amazed at how she is making connections. perhaps that is why i was a child development major...it's fascinating). she'll put "swing" and "wee" together b/c we say weeeeeeeeeeee when we swing. she puts "car" and "ride" together b/c she loves loves loves to take rides in her car. she says "nigh nigh" at bed time and nap time, or when she wakes up and throws her dollie and blankets out of the crib. so, she is talking in equal parts real words and jibberish.

making faces

- we celebrated our 2nd Easter with her and this year she was way more aware of the easter basket and the toys in it. we also had our first egg hunt which was fun for about 5 eggs. but it was fun to see her "hunt" for just a bit. then she played in the sand table for a while. which i was surprised about b/c she doesn't usually like her hands dirty. Easter is hands down my favorite holiday...admittedly b/c of the baskets & candy but mostly b/c at a young age i really seemed to get the importance of Jesus' death and resurrection. as i've gotten older i understand even more what this means for me and love to see it lived out in creation too.

playing in the sand table

she found an egg...now what?!

- we went to my dad's for easter which means we got to go swimming. let me re-phrase that, Adam and Charis went swimming. she LOVED it and had no fear. adam put her under some and she'd come out saying peek-a-boo. i'm excited about getting in the pool with her some this summer too. i think we'll really have to watch her b/c she was walking up to the edge like it was no big deal. we went back to my dad's on Saturday and Charis was itching to get in the pool even with the water being so cold. we put her on the steps and soon she was venturing out (as far as she could with us holding onto her). so my brother, uncle john, got in with her and she was loving it, naked and all. when we got her out and dressed she was walking up to the edge and would have walked right in if we weren't holding onto her. can't wait to go back to the pool and see what she does when someone is in the pool for her to walk to. crazy girl, i love it.

loves the pool...she might be a fish

- peek-a-boo is a favorite game. but she says something like "bee boo."

she wanted to wear my headlamp

- potty time....so i've decided to get serious about the potty in june when i'm done working. but i have to admit that she likes to use her potty a lot. recently she pointed to her diaper and said "poo poo" so i took off her (dry) diaper and sat her on the potty where she proceeded to go...you got it, poo poo. a lot of the times she just tells us she has pee pee already in her diaper. but i'm noticing she's staying dryer for longer and goes pee pee or poo poo most every time she sits on the potty. she also really enjoys flushing the big potty. we are waiting for the day when she puts dollie or something else in it. i thought kids were afraid of the flushing. so, we'll keep you posted on if she's in "big girl undies" next month. oh, i've been debating about saying "undies" or "panties." i think panties has become such a sexualized term. things that make you go hmmmmmmm. and for the first time today, she pooed on the floor. nice. happy mother's day to me.

easter basket goodies...toy bus is her favorite

- we've been able to hang out with my twin nieces lately. they are now 6 months old and the cutest twins EVER. they are so beautiful. my sister is amazing...i don't know how she does it. i almost had a breakdown and it wasn't even that bad. i mean, charis did try to bop them on the head while i tried to fee them. and they get each other going...one is crying, you get her calmed down then the other starts and you get the idea. we have fun with them. it's fun to think about what it'll be like having them grow up so close together in age and geography. i'm pretty excited about that.

i mean--those eyes, lips, cheeks....they are scrumpteous

- she loves going to school and child watch at the Y. i am so glad. and it does feel great to hear the teachers enjoy her. today at the Y they made a tile with her handprint on it for mother's day. so sweet.

she slept with a toy watch on her wrist

- she loves to put things over her head. probably not always good things. like strings and ribbons. recently the trash bag was cinched and she put the tie around her head. she also put one of our duffels around her head and walked around. it's pretty cute and semi-dangerous. but that's how we roll.

probably not the safest thing to do

- i'm thinking a lot about the words i use to describe her. when i write this i know you are going to think i'm crazy, but i spend a lot of time thinking about story. so i think we are playing a big part in the "writing" of her story. the words we use to describe her will have the potential to shape her. yet i'm also aware that these words really do describe her. i know i can over think it, but i don't want to be careless or even ignorant about my affect on her as she grows. all that to say, we are seeing how strong-willed she is and that she does have a bit of sass and lots of feistyness to her personality. it's like at times she knows what she wants and won't back down til she gets it. really?! this can happen at 18 months?! sometimes i get so hellbent on something, like saying please, and she just won't do it. she is also extremely sweet and lovey. i have to admit that she's even a little independent. i'm trying to learn how to not make these words her identity but to nurture them in ways that will dignify her as she grows. i'll let you know how that goes in 13 years. :)

- she loves to give hugs and kisses. her teachers at school tell me that she and desiree are always hugging each other. i have a friend with a daughter who is 8 months older and she would tell me how good it is when she hugged her back for the first time. and it is such a sweet and yummy feeling. adam and i have always cherished the times she'd lay her head on our shoulder. now she hugs and that is like crack.

this really shows how much her hair is growing

i love being her mama. it's challenging and so fun. i still can't believe i'm a mom. and i'm learning that God has entrusted this gift to me. she makes me think a lot. i'm being challenged a bunch...about motherhood, story and God. it's pretty amazing.

hoarders

2011-05-02T14:14:00.005-04:00

Hi, I’m Amy and I’m hoarder. “hi amy.”

My desire is stronger than my motivation, but I have some serious spring-cleaning to do. In the 5 years we’ve been married this is the first place we’ve lived with an attic and I am ashamed at how much crap we’ve saved/accumulated/stored up there. I would love to live a minimalist lifestyle but I am also very sentimental. I hold onto things “just in case.” And for nostalgia. My goal is to clean out the attic and really get rid of the stuff. It’s just stuff. If it turns out I need 20 frames I can go buy a new one or the many vases I’ve saved from our wedding.

This past weekend I climbed up to the attic to see what’s going on up there and start sorting to purge. It’s a strange process and I know it gets messy before it gets clean. I came across a bin marked “Amy’s old stuff.” This stuff has been through lots of moves and I’m surprised it’s made it this long. First there is a yellow pillow with my name cross-stitched on the front and my 2 baby blankets. Keeping those. Then there is a shoebox of stuff. A few old wallets. My mom’s pearl necklace she wore in her senior picture. My recorder from 5^th grade. My disc man that I got for Christmas in 1993 or 1994. My old stamp & coin collection. My Glamour Shots proofs from 8th grade. And the worst thing I found was a stack of movie & concert ticket stubs dating back to 1991. That is 20 years!! Movie tickets. What the heck! I mean-if I’ve held onto them this long I should keep them, right? Wrong! I had to throw them away. And I have to admit I’ve wanted to dig them out of the trash a few times. Why? I’m not really sure. I’m sure a counselor could unpack that for me. But I had proof that movies used to cost $3.50 and $4.25 and $5. The good ole days. I have to admit that I did hold onto a few concert tickets, namely Tom Petty, which was my first ever concert in 1991 that I went to with my youth group. And Lenny Kravitz in 1993, which was my first solo concert. I did throw away the Charlotte Hornets Stay in School Jam ticket though. I have my limits.

I just need to shed the stuff. I know that is going to feel really good. And hopefully make us a few extra bucks at our summer garage sale.

struggling with plans

2011-04-28T18:38:00.008-04:00

i am fascinated with this thing called the internet and all this blogging. even with a blog i'm not sure what its purpose is. i mean after i saw Justin Bieber's movie Never Say Never i wanted to blog to the world just how endearing this kid is and how strange fame is. never really got around to that. sorry justin, i just said never. or i think about getting on some soapbox about pulling over for emergency vehicles or using your blinker. or i want to brag about my kid. or i could blog about the royal wedding but i think that is covered. or about whether or not our president was born in the US. i mean there is just so much going on. but a lot of times i want to tell the world (well my readers at least) what i'm thinking. which, quite frankly, is a lot.

my mind feels like a geyser at times spewing thoughts constantly. a lot has to do with what's going on in our lives. our lives have been one disruption after another. if i'm going to compare what's going on in our lives with others i can see that what we are going through pales in comparison or just the opposite. but comparing doesn't really help. i've been thinking lately about "life not being what i had planned." then i started thinking about when something happened that i actually planned. on a big scale. i didn't plan on my parents getting divorced. when i decided to go on staff i didn't plan to go to Louisiana. i didn't plan to get pregnant. i didn't plan to get cancer. i didn't plan to get laid off. you can see where i'm going with this. i have been able to see God's hand in all these "plans." He has used them for His plans and according to his "perfect and pleasing will." i've experienced great joys and deep pains because of these experiences. i'm not sure if i'd take any of them back either. yet i have to admit that it's been hard. and right now i'm weary and tired. this past year has been especially hard and i feel like the Lord has truly sustained me. however, more recently i'm realizing that i'm just so tired. i give up a lot. on a daily basis in fact. i need a break from life right now and the only thing on the horizon is a family trip to the mountains over Memorial Day, which i'm really looking forward to.

i feel like i've been strong. i hope. i trust. and i'm clinging to Jesus with a death grip. and to be completely honest, it's tiring. i'm struggling as a wife and as a mom. i can't really see the "light at the end of the tunnel" but i'm hoping. what else can i do but hope and trust that in six months we'll be in a different place. i want to be in a different place. and i'm sure i will be. i'm not in the same place i was 6 months ago or a year ago. and i'm kind of afraid to even admit this, but i need a break.

i'm not trying to be a debbie downer...this is where i'm at right now. i know i won't be here for long. especially when i get to experience this sweetness every day

and this

it's a hard knock life

2011-04-16T11:28:00.005-04:00

i'm feeling a little inspired by Annie with this one...

i've been going through a bit of a rough patch lately. there are a variety of reasons but it's mostly body image issues. it all came to a head a few weeks ago when i realized that i had decided (prior to surgery) what adam would think of my new body. i had absolutely no way to prepare for the effects a double mastectomy would have on me. the very few women i knew were older and they are bravely living without reconstruction. it had been almost 5 months post surgery when i realized that i wasn't dealing with it. and it feels pretty lonely. i know that women with all sorts of breast sizes have stories, but there is definitely something unique for me. i'd take tiny breasts any day over what i'm living with right now. it's taking such a toll on my self image. i'm honestly learning to embrace where we are and work through it with Adam. i've recently shown some friends my scars. and i have to say it's been good. i need to let others see what it is like for us. there is something humbling and cleansing about letting those close to me in to such a scary and intimate part of our journey. i have less than 3 months until my reconstruction surgery, so i feel it's important for us to continue to work through this before we venture into something new.

there are other things going on, of course. i'm losing my job. meaning, i'm being laid off. this is extremely hard, yet i feel at peace. it's equivalent to the same peace i had in the waiting room last may as i awaited my ultrasound. it's hard and i know God is in this. i will work through the end of may and was graciously given a severance with salary & benefits through the end of july. God says not to worry about tomorrow, so i'm not. i'm going to finish my job strong and set the next person up as best as i can. i'm going to enjoy a month off then have surgery. mostly i'm going to continue to trust God to take care of us. seeing that i'm a "cancer survivor" i'm realizing it's pretty important for me to have benefits. this is one of the scary parts. this and the fact that my income has accounted for half our income. i don't think we'll go hungry or be homeless. what i am totally confident of is that the Lord will provide. He is up to something major and very cool in our lives. we have a story to tell for sure. i know God is going to provide. i'm confident of this. in the mean time it may feel scary...how are we going to pay bills, how are we going to make ends meet, how will we pay for my medical benefits? i mean, the questions are endless. but i have to be honest, i'm okay. i know (KNOW) the Lord will provide...a job, benefits, food, money, peace.

i have to admit that it feels like there is so much going on with us at one time. life feels so dramatic. yet i am confident in what the Lord is doing is good. yes, it's hard and it doesn't always make sense. even if i feel like i'm losing a lot, i realize that i still have so so much. a husband who loves me, a most delightful little girl, a community that isn't afraid to enter into this with us, a family that loves us, and a God who comforts, loves and provides.

maybe it's not really a hard knock life. but i do love Annie.

Sweet & Sassy

2011-04-07T19:15:00.002-04:00

that is our little lady. her feisty side is coming out. as she gets older it seems we are able to see her personality a bit more and she is becoming a real person. i mean- duh! it's fun to watch her interact with her friends at "school," observe others, and make her preferences known. she is keeping us full and thankful. i'm constantly amazed that she is mine. it's crazy that i'm her mom. it's the little things that get me.

so cute in her new elephant towel
- after "battling" ear infections for about 2 months, her ears are perfectly clear. ptl. we have been doing antibiotics so our next step would have been tubes. hopefully we are done for the season.

- i am so thankful for the arrival (for the most part) of spring. we all love to be outside. but it almost seems magical for charis. she has learned to walk down the little curb from our driveway and likes to walk in the street. of course she doesn't want to walk in the cul-de-sac, but rather the "main" street. she loves to watch birds and squirrels. she loves driving in her car. and she loves to visit our neighbor's dog, maggie. yay for outside weather!!!

enjoying the weather and an apple

- as i mentioned, she is feisty and i love it. of course i know that it's probably going to cause some conflict between us too. like when i say no and she frantically reaches for anything she can and flails her arms. she's also pretty determined and sometimes won't take no for an answer. hello somebody!!

- she's chatting a lot. i try to write down words she says mostly just to look back one day and see how her language developed from sounds to real words. it's so fascinating to me. some new words are "tree," "bike", even "cool bike", "shoe", "keys", "car", banana is "meena", "vroom" for cars, "cracker", "duck", "bubble", and what sounds like "why." sometimes it's "why why why why." i know she isn't really asking, but seriously. she's still signing a bunch too. let's just say she's making her needs known.

looking at the bike in a book. she LOVES to read

- she's using the potty a lot. we are just trying to make a habit of putting her on her potty. she often has a dry diaper and will go both pee pee and poo poo. then we say "bye-bye" to it in the big potty. she RARELY tells us she needs to go, but once in a while she'll sign potty. i honestly have no idea what i'm doing when it comes to "potty training, so we are trying this.

- she is fighting (& winning) for a later bed time. i've been extremely spoiled with the 6:30pm bedtime that i'm trying not to flex. but she's pretty determined. and really it's either wait 30 minutes or have her cry. and homegirl is not afraid to cry for a long time. i can flex 30 min. i can.

her first pigtails make her look like a big girl!

- she is still a great eater. i would say that she's had moments of pickiness that made me fear our good eater had turned on us, but that was temporary. thank goodness. she's back to eating lots and trying different things. we had bagel & cream cheese for the first time this week and she loves it. she also loves tomatoes. sometimes when she's eating something she says "mmmmmm." i'm serious. i think she gets that from adam and i.

really, what's there to say!?

- she is pretty meticulous. she'll find a crumb and go after it. or if she has a sticker (why people think a one year needs a sticker, i'll never know) she'll work on getting it unstuck. she seems to notice the tiniest things. she's super observant. she watches, okay stares, at people all the time.

- we went to Plaza Fiesta for the first time on a rainy saturday. it was too busy for her to play but we found an old school "ride" that she liked until we turned it on. she also enjoyed the yummy tacos we had.

just hanging out in her "ride"

sometimes i get a glimpse of something of hers and i'm floored to be her mama. i'm definitely enjoying it. i feel like our lives are slowly changing as she gets older. i'm learning which battles to fight and which ones not to even attempt. i'm trying to figure out how to teach her about God and pray with/for her. when she was new and had a little rough patch of late nights i'd sometimes sing Zephaniah 3:17 to her. "The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." i love the picture of Him taking delight in her. and i want her to always know she is delighted in. i've recently added it to our bedtime "routine" after we read books. it's so sweet to cuddle with her during that and it's good for my soul too.

transition

2011-03-22T19:50:00.003-04:00

we are entering a new phase. perhaps we've been entering this phase for about 6 weeks since my treatment officially ended february 8th. but i was waiting for my first official oncology visit to officially transition. i looked it up. "the process or a period of changing from one state or condition to another." that does seem to best describe where we are at/going. it's a good place to be. it's also weird and strange and different. it's as if i've finally accepted not being in crisis mode. maybe in some twisted way i didn't mind being in that mode/phase. as i sat on the examining table at my doctor's appointment yesterday i was reflecting on how straight forward my treatment was. there seemed to be no questions about how they (the doctors) were going to treat me. chemo, surgery, radiation. those were the 3 words i heard from the very beginning. and that's how it played out. and now i'm done.

recently someone asked when i'd feel like i was on the other side of this. for me it'll be after my reconstruction. my body is a daily reminder of what cancer has done/is doing to us; how it's changed us. even after reconstruction this will be true. but other things are "getting back to normal" in a way. my hair is growing back. it even seems to be thicker. i "feel" good and have the energy to exercise and do "normal" things. i'm still having hot flashes many times throughout the day and night. another indication that my body is not "back to normal." that is why i say we are in transition. we are moving forward and changed.

one thing i don't want to lose as we move forward is my complete dependence and trust in the Lord. it seems when this storm came i knew i needed Jesus like never before. entering the cancer world can be overwhelming whether it's the fear or the bombardment of advice or the changes that happen to your body. it's easy to get tricked into trusting others and other things too. but i have to say that when it boils down to it what i have left is Jesus. he has not changed or waivered since those early days in the waiting room. studies and statistics do. i choose to trust him still. i know what "they" say about recurrence but there is so much possibility and what-ifs. i believe that God designed this for us and therefore i accept whatever he has in store for us even still.

one thing i forgot to ask my doctor yesterday is if i was "cancer free." partly b/c i forgot and partly b/c my other doctor said they would never use those terms. not sure why. i realize with a lot of things i don't care about the why. it seems everyone else wants to know if i'm "cancer free" or "in remission" or "all good" more than i do. the language of recurrence seems to communicate that something is gone. so even though i don't have an official-the-doctor-says-i'm-this-term, it's suffice to say i'm free of something. i'm free.

i've journaled a lot in this process and will continue to do so. there are a ton of things i've learned about myself, adam, God, others, my body, cancer, doctors, and so much more. breast cancer has been hard. it seems to be a "popular" cancer with all the pink and the boobs and the campaigns. but it's completely over-sexualized. the rhetoric used can sometimes be ridiculous. you'll see this all over. and yes it can be funny. oh, because we need to be funny. i, of all people, love to be funny. i know that God has gifted me with a sense of humor to "get through" tough things. but i've learned a lot about what is funny and what's not. i mean, if it came down to saving my "ta-tas" or my life, we clearly chose my life. to say i don't care about breasts would be a lie. but, mine weren't worth saving. let's just say i've been challenged in new ways. i've been living without my breasts for 4 months now. it's hard a lot of the time. it's liberating too. it's beautiful and ugly all at the same time. i saw something online recently and am awed and amazed. let me warn you that if you click on this link there are some images that may be hard to see. but they are brave and beautiful nonetheless. The Scar Project.

so, here we are...transitioning...moving forward...trusting...clinging to hope. life is full. adam and i are at a new and unique place. i wouldn't trade it for anything. we have a vivacious little lady that fills my heart with so much joy i might explode. i've experienced new levels of realness and intimacy in friendships. God has used this. he will continue to use this. i have the privilege to walk a road uniquely designed for me. i wouldn't take this back. i wouldn't. i trust God with abandonment. i know He is for me and with me. i know His love is deep and wide and high and long.

Restaurant Review--Luna's Living Kitchen

2011-03-20T09:41:00.004-04:00

I haven't done a restaurant review in a while. but i recently ate a yummy veggie garden burger from Luna's that i had to share my thoughts on this place. Luna's Living Kitchen is located in southend beside the atherton farmer's market. the place is strictly vegan. since my mom is a vegan i went there for the first time with her. i had their veggie garden burger that comes with a side salad. my mom had the Lunasagna which we don't recommend, unless you are a true vegan and used to eating stuff like that. but the veggie burger is pure flavor deliciousness. the food at Luna's is a work of art. everything is always plated with purpose and care presented to the customer like a piece of art. see..

i have yet to try anything else at Luna's because i like the veggie burger so much. it's like like most veggie burgers out there because this one is more grain (quinoa) based. it is savory and served with fresh avocado on two slices of hearty whole grain bread. the side salad is fresh and yummy too. eating at Luna's makes me feel good because the food is fresh and local. my two favorite things.

i also went to a meeting at Luna's about "preventing breast cancer" last month. i was skepticle because a) i already have breast cancer and b) i'm not sure i can totally prevent cancer and c) i get nervous when people tell me i can do so by what i eat or do. but i have to say that it wasn't so bad. it was a small group of women, led by a life coach, who talked about risk factors both that we can't avoid (genetics, family history, being a woman, hormones, etc) and those we may have some control over (diet, lifestyle, exercise). i was tempted to be overwhelmed but i decided to have some perspective. i'm not willing to cut out dairy b/c i don't think it's the main culperate, for example. but i am willing to exercise more and incorporate more veggies (the really good ones like brocolli and kale) into my diet. for me it can become a slippery slope of playing God. how much do i really have control over? granted there are things i can do, but ultimately God is in control and i do totally trust him. there is a chance i could totally transform my diet and still get cancer. i think all this can be controversal and we all have our thoughts about it. but as someone with cancer it's different.

when life hands you oranges...

2011-03-16T15:08:00.004-04:00

make orange juice! duh.

this past sunday we had our Young Life 5K at Charlotte Motor Speedway. It's our 5th year doing it. the main goal is to provide a fund-raising opportunity for YL areas in our region to help kids raise money for summer camp. (this year we had over 600 people and raised over $20,000) if you've ever been to YL summer camp you know it's amazing. we get lots of folks there, mainly because they are associated with YL somehow. then we get some hardcore runners who find something wrong with our race. i mean it's nothing professional. we put it together ourselves. it's unique because it's on the track which is kind of fun. to make it feel more like a race we have Smoothie King come and provide mini smoothies. and we have bagels, oranges and bananas because i think that's what runners want after a race.
it's always hard to know how much food to have. i hate (really hate) wasting or throwing out food. so when we had 2 boxes of cut up oranges leftover on Sunday i decided to take a box. it sat at the bottom of my fridge a couple days. then i decided to pull down the Jack Lelane juicer. after peeling the oranges i proceeded to juice the oranges. while i had the thing on i decided to do some carrots too. mmmmmmmm so yummy.

after peeling the orange quarters

i'd like to drink more smoothies & juice and incorporate more greens into my diet. i think this can just be good for anyone. this particular juicer doesn't juice greens so i'm in the market (i.e. saving) for a Vita Mix. it's a far cry from our little (well more bulky than little) Jack Lelane and it does greens like spinach and kale. to make room (one day) for the new one i'm selling the Jack Lelane. it's been good to us when we've used it. i mean, i just had a refreshing glass of fresh orange and carrot juice. yummy!

Sweet 16

2011-03-11T22:00:00.002-05:00

She's getting closer to 2 and further from 1 but she is still our baby. I would say this past month has been the hardest. And I will quickly add that hard is completely relative. As I've said from the beginning Charis is such an easy baby. Sleeps great. Eats great. I guess this is the "just wait" that everyone was talking about. And on that note I've vowed never to say that to a mom cause it pisses me off. Anyway. In this past month she's been sick more and having more interrupted sleep. This has caused her to be more clinging and cranky. Two characteristics that are hard to deal with. Even if just for a couple hours a day. Last week I found myself praying and asking God to help me enjoy her clingyness because that is when she is most cuddly and wants me more. I know the day will come when she'll slam her bedroom door in my face, so I want to relish these sweet (& hard) moments. All that to say that it's just a couple hours a day. The rest of the time is fun as we watch her curiosity grow.

too cool
- She's been waking in the middle of the night more. A handful of times we've just brought her to bed with us and she's even slept on me. Way different from her new days. Part of me wants to freak i'm-becoming-one-of-those-cospleeping-parents-and-she-is-going-to-sleep-with-us-til-she's-15. Then I get a grip and actually enjoy her sweet breath as she cuddles with us and her dollie. Some nights I try to ignore her and she can put herself back to sleep then there are the nights where she is too far gone and needs some mama love which I am "happy" to give.

- She still loves to read. She signs "book" and say's something like "boo" when she does it. I'm amazed that she'll sit and read a whole stack of books. She even has preferences for which book we read to her, which is funny to me.

looking at the ducks at freedom park
- She is using the potty lots. We introduced the potty early and did some of that "elimination communication" stuff so she is familiar with it. By no means is she potty trained. She can sign "potty" and sometimes tell us she needs to go or take us there. When she poos on the potty, she loves to read. I'm not saying where she gets this from.

- She's talking a lot. Some are recognizable words and some are sounds that refer to something and some is straight up jibberish. I love it all. Some of the words she is saying are "cracker" (which is any dried good), "go", "mommy", "daddy", "Amy", "bubble", "no". Some of the sounds/words she says is "book", "doll", "dog", "boat", "shoes", "school", "nose". She repeats a lot of sounds. Sometimes it sounds like she says "cool."

enjoying the sunshine in shorts...so cute
- I'm constantly amazed at her ability to remember and make connections. She loves birds. Whenever she sees one or looks out the window she points and makes the whistle sound with her lips. (if that makes sense) When Adam's parents were here in January his dad did this funny thing with her where he'd stick out his tongue then slap the back of his head. The other day on Skype Adam said that when Charis saw his dad she immediately put her hand behind her head. Things like that are crazy to me. They just pick up on so much more than we think.

- Charis is so outdoorsy. She loves to be outside. If she is in a struggling mood and we take her outside, she is so happy and content. Which makes me so ready for Spring. We took her on a bike ride up to Freedom Park a few weeks ago. I think she is still getting used to a bike helmet and the bike trailer.

getting situated in her Adirondack
- She is officially down to one nap. Doesn't really seem to make that big of a difference, which means I guess I don't really remember what 2 naps were like. Some days it's 1 1/2 hours and some days it's as much as 3 1/2.

@ buxton's party...getting warmed up
- She has such a curiosity and attention to detail. She'll notice a crumb or even a speck of dirt and work really hard to get it. Once she has it in her (pincher) grasp she hands it to us. I've also noticed that she doesn't like to have her hands dirty. Figures.

I think I've taken less pictures this past month too. I'm not sure why but I can't seem to find many pictures. And I definitely neglected to take her official 16 month picture. Mainly b/c she's had a "tough" week. She came home Thursday with a blazing fever, then woke up last night at 3am burning up. So, she slept on me. I have to admit that I love that more than I don't. She babbles a bit then gets herself all cozy and goes to sleep. I love the closeness but I don't like the heat. Hot flashes and a feverish child do not mix.

i love when adam dresses her

FAME

2011-02-24T18:57:00.003-05:00

in case you haven't heard (or seen) i was on the local news last night. by no means does this mean i'm famous. yet. but i'm beginning to see and feel the whole "15 minutes of fame" thing. i mean--i only had like 2 minutes! i didn't so much like the way i looked on t.v. (it really does add 10 lbs) but it was fun to be on t.v. i'm realizing how absurd i'm sounding right now. out of control. anyway, if you haven't seen it here is the link
http://www.foxcharlotte.com/news/top-stories/Cleaning-For-A-Reason--116788448.html

Cleaning for a Reason was such a gift to us. i never really feel like cleaning much less during treatment. having Minit Maids come in and really clean our house during treatment was so great. so, when they emailed me last week to see if i wanted another (free) cleaning i was all over it. they said the news wanted to do a story on cleaning for a reason & minit maids but i don't think i realized what that really meant until my friend, morgan fogarty, came over to chat. :) i thought she did a great job telling our story in such a short time after us talking for about 45 minutes. she and her camera guy, Carlos, were great. the cleaning crew from mm were awesome too. every time they've come, they have been great. and being in a clean house feels really great. thanks y'all!

(as a side note, i do think cleaning for a reason should be for men too. right now it's for women only.)

picture perfect

2011-02-17T16:30:00.005-05:00

i have great friends. they are all over the place. they are like me and so different from me. they tell a greater story. i am thankful for my friends.

my friendships are being transformed by this journey. it's been so great and sometimes hard to move with the changes. new friendships have sprung up while old friendships have deepened. it's like a total friendship garden. cheesy, i know, but that is the image that popped in my head. god is teaching me so much during this journey, especially through my friendships.

i have great friends who are amazing photographers. i have been fortunate to be in front of their cameras. (lucky for them too) if you've ever gotten professional pictures taken (i'm not talking sears or olan mills), then you know it's hard to pick your favorites, get them enlarged and printed then framed then hung on your wall. recently, a friend offered to do this for me. i was thrilled. it's something that hasn't been on my "to do list" lately so i was thankful when she offered. i handed over my discs and she took on the task of going through maybe a hundred or two or more pictures of us. we are now forever stamped on her mind. oh goodness. we were going to go pick out frames at ikea, when she called to tell me that she and her husband wanted to do this for us. i was so overwhelmed and thankful for their generosity in doing this. i'll be honest, when she proposed the idea, i really had no clue what it would entail. she is an artist so i knew it would be awesome. she texted me tuesday to say it was all ready to be hung. she came over and 2 hours later i have this on my wall

i wanted to cry. i wanted to thank her a million times. there has been no way for me to express what a gift this is to us. i mean, unbelievable. i loved sitting and watching her measure and mark, measure and mark then hang then measure and mark again. i am so amazed at her ability to love us in this. she knew that having these pictures up would bring us joy. and it does. i could stare at them all day without them getting old. i love the pictures she chose. i love that she spent the time to cut them to fit ikea frames. i love that she took such painstaking detail to make sure they were even and the perfect display. i love that she loved us enough to do this.
thank you so much, taryn.

Anti V-day B-day

2011-02-15T03:43:00.003-05:00

with two valentines day birthdays in my family we don't celebrate valentines day, which is just a marketing ploy from Kay jewelers. i'm actually kind of glad it's adam' birthday. i think that single or married it has potential for disappointment. so, we don't share this day. it's strictly his day. i mean--i'm not trying to share my birthday with anyone. and if we are all honest, no one would want to. anyway

since his birthday is v-day and he turned the big 3-0 this year i really wanted to have a party for him. he was a little reluctant. we had an "anti v-day b-day" party at his favorite restaurant--Sir Ed's--on saturday night. he was able to enjoy being celebrated by friends and i am so thankful for that. we had a great time. you can't go wrong with good food, good friends, and good beer. right?! there was an after-party too that i wasn't feeling up to, but i heard it got pretty crazy. you are only 30 once.

of course i've been thinking about all the things i love about adam lately. you know, birthdays tend to do that. he is exactly the man God created for me. he challenges me. he loves me well. he cares for me. he has become a rock and refuge to me. he makes me feel so beautiful. he is sensitive. he is intelligent. he is really funny and whitty. we have this joke b/c a lot of times people say to him (about being married to me), "you must laugh all the time." i think he's just now able to enjoy that b/c he is pretty stinking funny too, just not as loud and obnoxious as me. you have to allow his humor to linger a bit. we both laugh a lot. he's authentic and real. he's a thinker. he really is my best friend. and he is the best daddy ever. we are learning a bunch and growing closer in the process. i'm thankful for adam. happy birthday to the man i love!!

My guilty pleasure

2011-02-09T15:38:00.003-05:00

For some it's chocolate or The Bachelor. For me it's Jonathan Kellerman novels. His most famous books are about a child psychologist, Alex Delaware, who works murder cases with his detective friend, Milo Sturgis. I'm not sure how, but I stumbled upon them in college as I was studying child development and psychology. (no they were not required reading) Adam totally makes fun of me, but I enjoy these books so much that I can read one in a week. I mean, I feel silly just telling y'all this. But part of the fun is admitting this to the world of cyberspace.

just finished this one

Thank you JK for this guilty pleasure. Thank you for the whit and charm of Alex Delaware and his police friend, Milo Sturgis. When a re-run of Law & Order isn't on I know that I can turn to one of your books for a cheap thrill. I mean this as a compliment. Thank you.

15 months

2011-02-06T21:05:00.000-05:00

Our little lady is 15 months. Unbelievable. She is such a blast and the most delightful little lady ever. I love being her mama and know that I was made to be her mama. I love watching Adam be her daddy. He is smitten for sure and is such a good daddy. Her personality is continuing to bloom. She's like a wildflower. There is so much to enjoy.

such a big girl! 15 months
- Charis got the Croup. It sounds so sketchy, but it's just a barking cough. I mean, not "just." It sounds so sad. I even thought it might have been the neighbor's dog. I finally (yes, I said finally) took her to the doctor on a Sunday (yeah I know, a Sunday) and she was officially diagnosed with "the Croup." It's sad when she's sick.

- She is a gummy bear or butterball. At the doctor she was such a big girl that she could get weighed on the stand up scale. She is 25 pounds. I don't know what percentile this is or any of that stuff. It doesn't really matter. I don't think. She'll have her official 15 month check-up next week.

sitting in her chair..love this picture

- We know how she got to 25 lbs...she loves food! And I love that she loves food b/c her mama and daddy love food. Recently I got a video of her chowing down by herself on pasta w/ chicken & broccoli and green beans. She was a mess afterwards. And so cute. She still eats about anything. Recently she was like a bottomless pit and I was afraid I was creating an emotional eater. I was spiraling out of control when I realized it could just be a growth spurt.

she's even trying the crayon
- She is walking! Since her first steps on January 15th she has gained more confidence and is toddling around. But if she wants to get somewhere fast she drops to her hands and knees and crawls. I love the way she walks.

tights & skirts are so cute

- She is communicating a ton. She uses lots of signs: baby, milk, duck, all done, more, please and car. She has also made up her own sign for 'go.' It amazes me how much she is able to understand. I mean- she is like a super soaker sponge just soaking it all in. She says lots of things too: daddy, go, Amy, ball, along with a ton of other "words" and sounds. She mimics a ton too. Things like, "I love you" and "cracker" and "I'm going to get you." Of course we think she is so smart. She is.

sitting in a booster reading the menu
- Charis is having more stranger danger. Or stranger anxiety. It's sad for us and for the people keeping her. But we are so thankful for the many friends who are keeping Charis for us so we can have a date.

- Charis went to a museum for the first time. While Adam's parents were in town we spent a couple hours at the Mint Museum. It was really nice and she was so good. Adam carried her in the backpack and she was a trooper.

checking out art w/ daddy the art was so inspiring

- She had her first trip to Myrtle Beach. We knew it would happen sooner or later. We wanted her to have a mini senior week and a glimpse of spring break. Uh, jk, we had a Young Life event down there. She did great in the car even when I thought I'd lose it. I think it's time we build a major highway from Charlotte to the beach. I'm just saying.

what happens in myrtle beach, stays in myrtle beach

- Charis has been spending lots of time with her sweet and pretty nieces, Jada and Jocelyn. She signs "baby" when they are here and for the most part just looks at them. When they cry she tries to give them their binkies. Sometimes she acts like they aren't there and almost walks on and over them. Soon enough they will all be playing together.

she's a giant next to them i mean--look at these two!

let me give you your binky

- I don't want to call her a diva, but when she wears her sunglasses that is the very word that comes to mind. She seems so proud as she wears them and I think we solved the problem of having the sun in her eyes since she actually keeps them on. I mean she's just the cutest.

she loved wearing her glasses on her wagon ride

- We think she is pretty curious too and extremely aware. She does things that amaze us. Recently I was telling Adam how she was looking at the birds out the window and when I said birds we heard her try to whistle from the back seat. I'm so serious. Stuff like that is crazy.

I realize these "updates" may be annoying for some. But I'm sure if you are annoyed you wouldn't even read my blog. But this is good for the grandparents. And I think we all like to "brag" a little bit about our kids. It's weird, I agree. I definitely had a bunch of ideas about being a mom before I was a mom. And I would say that all of them have not been blown to smithereens. There are still things that annoy me about parenthood, but it mostly comes from the outside. Charis is wonderful. And she has her normal "I'm-a-baby-and-can't-communicate-so-I'm-going-to-make-this-really-annoying-whiny-sound" moments.
We were talking with some friends about having a date night. They were saying how it wasn't until halfway through their date that they talked about their baby. I've heard this before from friends, that when they finally get out all they talk about is their kid(s). For us, there is so much for us to share and talk about when we finally get a night out AND since Charis has been such a source of joy for us during this hard time we relish in talking about the joys of being her mama and daddy.

getting ready for her bike ride
I have had a bunch of sweet moments with her lately and I've needed them. In those moments I feel a sense that God is real and He loves me so much.

Life with Cancer...chemo

2011-02-03T14:03:00.006-05:00

I realized in my last post I got more "creative" with my words (well, maybe not). I think lately I've been thinking about what it's like to live with cancer. Sometimes people ask if we feel normal or feel like we are back to normal. I think I feel normal, considering. Sometimes if I take a step back and look at my life in the past 12-18 months it has been pretty tough. AND it's had lots of good moments. Like right now I'm looking down at one of my sweet and beautiful nieces, Jada Bryce. She wants to cry but can't help but smile and I love that. I feel like that sometimes.

Anyway, a part of me feels compelled to let people in to the day in and day out of living with cancer. It's clearly different for each person. I really can't say what I thought today would look like 8 months ago. I'm not sure I could even think beyond that day. So here I am 8 months (almost) to the day of my diagnosis. In the beginning it was intense. I can literally look back at my calendar for June and see that I had a doctor's appointment almost every day. If not every day, at least 3-4 out of 5 days. That's like a part time job. Things totally lined up to free us up for this...I went part time, Adam was waiting tables, and people could keep Charis. That regiment became our "normal" for a few weeks as we were figuring everything out. Then it slowed down a bit to maybe 1-2 appointments a week. I was also trying to work during this. At the time life definitely felt off and maybe a little chaotic but we were totally surviving and pressing through. Only now do I look back and I have to think hard about those times. How did we do it? How did I still try to hang out with my high school girls before they left for college? How did I get Charis to her doctor's appointments? How did Adam and I find time to go out? You know what, we did it. And I think we did more than just survive. We made an effort to sit still, to enjoy, to get away, to rest in Jesus, to be loved and cared for by others, to delight in our little lady, to trust and to be. It wasn't always easy but it was possible.

I'm not really sure what I'm doing here to be honest. It just seems like in the past I've been asked so many questions about this journey. And I think people really want to know what some things are like. Today let's start with Chemotherapy. What I had was "induction chemotherapy" which according to the internet is the use of drug therapy as the initial treatment for patients presenting with advanced cancer that cannot be treated by other means. I would have 6 treatments of TAC (Taxotere, Adryamycin, and Cytoxin) every 3 weeks from late June to early October. Fortunately I did not need a port, so each time the nurse started a new IV on my hand, wrist or arm. First they did labs to make sure my blood counts were high enough to receive the chemo drugs. This took about 15 minutes. Then they would give me pre-chemo drugs such as an anti-nausea and a steroid. The "T" and "C" were bag infusions that took about an hour each. During the Cytoxin I had to soak my fingers in ice water for the whole hour. This prevented the drug from getting to my finger tips and therefore making my nails come off. Yucky. The Adryamycin was bright red like cherry kool-aid and was given by the nurse. They had to strap on heavy duty gloves while pushing it through my i.v. because apparently it could burn your skin (and turn pee pink). This is what I did 6 times. I sat in a room with 15-20 other survivors receiving their specific poison. I didn't like chemo, it made me feel weird. I never really talked to people there but I did stare as if others were an anomaly. I wanted so bad to meet others but always chickened out. Within 24-48 hours of my infusion I would have to go back to the doctor to get a shot of Neulasta which protected my white blood cells. Turns out after 5 of these I was told my insurance wouldn't cover them. I'm still waiting to hear if they will cover my 5th one at over $9,000. I'd hate to have to pay that. My sister gave me my 6th one. Oh healthcare. Then 10 days after my infusion I'd have blood work (cbc) done to make sure my "counts" were good. They always were and I am so very thankful for that. What were the effects of chemo on me? Well, for the first week I would have a metal taste in my mouth. Sometimes I'd feel weird like I was hungry but couldn't eat. Ice cream always tasted yummy to me. I lost my hair (all over), but shaved my head before it fell out. That's about it. I didn't throw up or really feel nauseous thanks to the drugs I took for the 2 days following chemo.

Chemo was officially out of my system by the end of October. My hair came back pretty quickly. My MRI following chemo showed a major reduction in the size of the tumor and the amount of cancer left. It wouldn't be until surgery that we'd know for sure what was left.

That was my experience with chemo. I still can't believe that within 3 weeks of my diagnosis I began chemo. I don't think I realized the seriousness and aggressiveness of my cancer until later. I know that was God protecting me. Here are a couple pictures my dear friend, Jen Hunt, captured when she came to my first chemo with me.

the ice bath

hey!

the i.v. pump

my friend lindsay made me a bag of trash mags and candy!

Life with Cancer

2011-01-31T22:55:00.003-05:00

Cancer moved in like an uninvited guest. She contaminated the space that gave nourishment and pleasure. She felt cozy enough to make herself at home and invade the pearl necklace of my lymph system. She's probably a raging bitch. But she was quiet in her assault. My body didn't alarm me of her presence. I felt her, I did. She knew she could trick me, and she did for a few months. She knew that I didn't know my breasts well enough to recognize her. Yet something wasn't right. She disguised herself as a clogged milk duct and that worked for a while. But someone greater and for me was at work. There was that nudging that something just wasn't right. And before she could do any more damage, we exposed her.

Part of me was shocked and part of me relieved. I don't like having cancer. It has catapulted me into a secret society of sorts. Nothing is quite the same. Life isn't normal. Whatever the hell that means anyway. When I see a sister in a scarf I wonder if she too has breast cancer, or maybe another kind. When I see a commercial about cancer, it dawns on me that "this is me." Seven months feels like a lifetime. I remember those days clearly but they also seem like a blur. We were instantly in survival mode. Thankfully the prognosis was clear: chemotherapy, surgery, and radiation. I would need all 3. I just figured everyone did. I learned a little more as the days and tests rolled on. She was of the aggressive type: triple negative. She had grown and was a big girl: 10-12 cm. And I was BRCA 2 positive. This means my chances for recurrence are much higher and I have increased chances of getting ovarian.

Everything snowballed. I'm not sure what I expected. Maybe I thought it'd be simple. Not necessarily easy, but simple. In the beginning I didn't care about my breasts anymore. They were now my enemies. Which made me sad because I loved nursing my sweet Charis. That was taken from me. I was willing to say good-bye with no looking back. I had no idea how hard that would be. I didn't realize my fertility would be in question. Is is. I didn't think about my sexuality being an innocent bystander. It is. I didn't know my body image could get worse. It has.

There is deep sorrow and equally deep joys. She has not robbed me of my life. She cannot take away the delight that I get in being a mama. She cannot steal the intimacy that Adam and I get to experience. She cannot stop my family, friends and community from entering into this with us. She can't take what God is using to reveal, redeem and restore in our lives. "If God is for me, who can be against me?"

Physically it hasn't been that bad. And I feel a little bad saying that. I like to think I kicked chemo's ass. That poison coursed it's way through my veins and body to kill the cancer. But it didn't get to me like I thought it would. Thankfully I was never nauseous and had plenty of energy to work part time and take care of that sweet baby o' mine. Surgery wasn't as bad as I thought...thanks to prayers and drugs. The infection afterwards and the drains sucked, but they were so temporary. And now radiation isn't that bad. Fatigue is the major side effect of it all. But let's be honest, I haven't slept well since I was six months pregnant.

Emotionally, it's been hell. Even though that feels dramatic, it feels adequate. It's the quiet moments that fear or loneliness creep in. It's the not feeling feminine or beautiful. It's the possibilities and the unknowns. It's the places my mind goes. It's the disappointments. It's the fact that the small stuff doesn't go away, it just gets magnified. It's the reality that I may not be here to see my daughter grow up. It's hard. It's scary. It's sad. It's annoying. I don't cry as much as I probably want to. I don't "go there" all that much but I'm sure I "go there" more than the average person. I live in the tension of today and tomorrow. In the reality of trusting and hoping.

I'd be lying if I said it's all bad. It's not. There are riches upon riches already oozing from this experience. We are thankful. We are hopeful. We are being called to something greater than we could ever imagine or plan for ourselves and our family.

I appreciate when I can talk about my cancer and not talk about it. It's definitely a huge part of our lives right now. (duh) But it's not who we are. I'm reminded of it every day as I get dressed or shower or put lotion on my scar. I am learning how to be a woman without the things that are essential to being a woman: breasts, hormones, hair. Let's be honest, it's hard. Adam continues to remind me that I am beautiful and I am so thankful that God has given me a man who can see my beauty apart from my body. I am thankful for him. And I am thankful for our little lady. While life is hard at times it is also filled with a bunch of joy and sweet moments.

how is she not the cutest?!

Charis' First Steps

2011-01-28T10:27:00.000-05:00

Charis took her first steps at my sister's for a Ritz Cracker on 15 Jan. It was the day of a Steelers' game so you can hear that and my brother in the background. goodness.
hope this works since it's my first time uploading video. She is still gaining confidence in her walking but prefers to crawl.

Six Degrees

2011-01-24T12:57:00.011-05:00

(just some rambling)
Young Life has been a part of my life since the summer of 1994. I had heard about it some before that but as a church kid I was too judgemental about the kids it attracted. You know, the partiers or the bad kids or the ones that needed Jesus more. I didn't realize that as a church kid I needed Jesus just as much, if not more.

As I think back I'm not sure how it happened, but at the time my youth leader and friend, Laurel, was dating the YL staff person of N. Myrtle Beach. Maybe on a whim, I'm not sure, I ended up on a van with other kids from the N. Myrtle Beach area headed to Windy Gap for a week. That week changed my life. My parents had gotten divorced, I was at a new high school and didn't know many people, and I was trying to live out my faith. Church had always been a refuge for me and there were people there who loved me in spite of my obnoxiousness. I am so thankful for those people who lived out love and grace in my life. This week at Young Life camp was different. What I needed to hear/get from God that week I did: He would never leave me and He loved me a whole bunch. By the end of the week I knew that I wanted to be a part of this thing called Young Life. I knew that I wanted to tell others about Jesus and figured YL would be a place to start. Laurel picked me up at the end of the week and we drove late at night from Weaverville to Charlotte, stopping at Waffle House for a break. It was so cool to go to waffle house back then. I made some great friends that week. I heard great music from Ed Cash (who I learned was also from Charlotte). And I felt a calling that week too.

I got plugged into YL my junior and senior years. I returned to summer camp the following summer at Frontier for another amazing week. My faith deepened and so did my friendships. I learned more about what it meant to follow Christ in high school. When I started at UNCC I knew I wanted to be a YL leader, but there wasn't a good fit for me in Charlotte. I was also working and going to school full-time. In the summer of 1999 I spent a month at Frontier doing Summer Staff and that is where I saw the need to get plugged into a community at home. By January 2000 I was leading YL in Cabarrus County at Northwest Cabarrus HS and was a part of a really fun leadership of other college kids from Davidson. Those were some of the best years. I continued to feel God calling me to Young Life. After spending an extra year with "my girls" from NW I went on staff in Louisiana. Spent two hard and really good years there doing YL. Met my husband. Made some lifelong friends. Grew in my faith and ministry. I left staff in 2004 and taught Pre-K. I only made it two years before God called me back to Young Life. In the fall of 2006 I became the Regional Administrator for the then Charlotte Region and started leading at Country Day. Since then our Region has grown and changed names to the Carolinas Region.

This past weekend we had our 3rd Annual Regional Leader/Committee Weekend. This year it was in N. Myrtle Beach. There have been folks there for the past year praying for YL to come to the Grand Strand area. It was cool to be back there and think about how if it wasn't for YL being there in the early 90's I may not have gone to camp that summer. Somehow the ministry died down there, but with lots of prayer it looks like we will get it started again soon. That is exciting for me. These weekends are pure work for me but I also get a front row seat at some pretty cool things. It is so encouraging to see 400+ staff, leaders and committee crowded into the House of Blues singing worship music. If you've ever been to a House of Blues, it's far from a place of worship. But on this weekend that is exactly what it became. I got to see Ed Cash perform again just like (well, better) in high school. One of my YL leaders was there b/c the guy who wants to get YL started was in my YL club in high school. The weekend was exhausting and extremely encouraging as I think about my own ministry at Country Day. It was cool to hear about other connections; the speaker was at camp the summer the music guy was there as a camper at a time in his life when he was really struggling and needing Jesus. Young Life can be a small world and it always amazes me to see how God makes the connections and orchestrates all the details so that we can encounter Him, whether we are a struggling teen, a leader hanging out with kids, a committee person praying for YL to come to their local school, or a spouse of a YL staff. I am thankful to be a part of something big and small that God is doing through Young Life.

I am also thankful to be back in Charlotte doing YL. Working for this region I get to see ministry continue in Cabarrus Co where I first became a leader and I get to see the re-birth of ministry in the place that my involvement first began. I think that is pretty cool and I'm so thankful for the glimpses of all that God is doing in and around me.

61 weeks...or 14 months

2011-01-09T09:18:00.006-05:00

a little self-timer action. she's so stoic

Homegirl is 14 months old. Such a big girl. But with only 2 teeth and no walking she still seems like our little baby girl, which I love. She is such a delight. Sometimes I just want to squeeze her and kiss her soft cheeks. She continues to be such a gift to us and a sweet reminder of how God loves and provides. I was just thinking about this time last year and how much has changed...not so much with me, but her. She can now participate in her world and every thing is a wonder to her. I love it. She is still super easy and she is also at the age where she doesn't have language so sometimes it can be a whiny "uh uh uh" which can make a mama crazy. But 30 minutes of that in a day is nothing in the big scheme of things, right?! I just have to remember that in the midst of it. She is keeping us busy!

- We celebrated our second Christmas with our little lady. She wasn't really into it but it was still fun. Her favorite was the tree. She'd point to it and would say something that sounded close to "tree" but not really. She loved the "ball" ornaments, which is why we didn't have any ornaments on the bottom third of our tree.

in her Christmas pjs and fleece
- She LOVES to read. I LOVE that she loves to read. I'm amazed how she can sit through a handful of books. She loves to listen and to turn the pages. It's fun to watch her anticipate the next page as she turns it.

reading in the car
- She's getting to be such a big girl. According to the Wii she weighs about 23 lbs. (i think) and she's got some yummy chubby legs that look so cute in leggings.

- She is always on the move. She doesn't seem totally interested in walking, which is fine with me. (i have lots of child-proofing to do) She is so funny sometimes...she'll crawl around in circles, sometimes she exaggerates her crawl by swaying her head. When she wants to carry something, she has figured out a way to scoot. She is continuing to build her core strength before she's ready to walk. (ha!! according to our chiropractor crawling is good)

not sure what this face is all about
- She is still a great eater. Sometimes she plays hard to get like when she wants to feed herself instead. Her new favorite is spinach & cheese ravioli. (we felt a new tooth today so eating may just get easier)

double-fisting her banana
- She is all about mimicking. It's so fun and really cute. Lately she's even saying my name. Not "mama" or "mommy" but "amy" and "mamy". Adam thinks it's hilarious. I don't have a word count for her. She repeats a lot of our sound when we say something whether it's "i love you" or "i'm going to get you" or "hello" or while reading. It's fun to hear her mimic the sounds as she's learning language.

- We spent New Year's day at my sister's house, which was crazy and fun. Her twin girls are getting so big and amazingly beautiful, but Charis wasn't quite sure about them. Soon they will all be the best of friends.

checking out her pretty cousins
- She loves to put things on her head. Sometimes to play peek-a-boo or sometimes just to crawl around with her fleece or a towel on her head. It's silly and so stinking cute.

playing with the towel on her head
- She has learned where her eyes, ears, nose and hair are. This one book we read talks about these parts and she always reaches back to touch mine (even my hair now that it's growing back). Lately she likes to "play" with her eyelashes.

snow! i just love this picture. she looks like Adam here
- We started using a few signs when she started eating. That seems to be the best time to teach a few signs. And let's be honest, that's all I know. Recently I taught her "please" and she's picked up on it rather quickly. I'm trying to incorporate new ones now that she's getting older and learning more.

"please!"
We are both crazy about Charis. crazy for charis!!! She is just so much fun. I swear I still can't believe I'm her mama. That is just crazy. But so good. She continues to be such a sweet distraction for us as life has been pretty hard this past year. I'm thankful that she is oblivious to it right now. I love seeing her personality bloom. I love how she wonders at her world. I love how she is learning to communicate with us. I love how she dances, especially when she eats, as if that bite was so yummy it made her shimmy shake. I love how she still points with her middle finger. I love that she understands what we are saying. I love how she takes her dollie to her face and sucks her thumb when she goes to bed. I love that we can spend a whole day in our pjs together. I love how she squeals with glee when we go into our bedroom to see her daddy in the morning. I love that she reaches for us. I love that she knows what kisses are and let's us kiss her all over. I love that God created her to be uniquely her and has given us the honor to be her parents. I love that I get to tell her that she is God's masterpiece.